Potty Mouth

Let’s get real for a second.

We need to discuss some bathroom etiquette. It may not be the easiest subject to talk about but if I can overcome my crippling Midwestern modesty and confront this topic, you too can take 5 minutes out of your day to learn about this growing problem.

First of all. Public restrooms are disgusting. Everyone knows this. The only thing dirtier than a public restroom is that animal carcass perched on top of Donald Trump’s head (haven’t you heard? Making fun of Trump is “in” now. If you haven’t seen this yet, check it out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k8TwRmX6zs4 ) Since bathroom filth is a known fact, I am absolutely shocked that I even need to say this but… Always, always, always wear shoes in a restroom. Honestly, how could you walk into a public restroom without shoes and not immediately want to chop your feet off then jump into a vat of acid? It is absolutely filthy. Even thinking about what could be on that floor makes me want to vomit. And if I ever see you in a bathroom without shoes on, I swear I will shun you for life (Hutterite style).

Secondly, there has always been an unspoken rule about bathroom stall etiquette but apparently some people need a refresher course. Unless the bathroom is absolutely packed, do not, under any circumstances go into a stall next to an already occupied stall. From what I understand, every guy knows the whole “never use the middle urinal” rule so why can’t we all learn the “don’t go right next to someone when there are 500 other stalls open” rule? It just creates a whole new level of awkwardness that is not necessary.

Thirdly, when I’m in a public restroom, I can HEAR when you leave without washing your hands. If you are over the age of 3, you have no excuse for that disgusting-ness. Seriously, who doesn’t wash their hands?!? Don’t you feel disgusting (because you should)? There are literally millions of little bacteria (which I imagine have to body of a tick and the head of comedian Carrot Top) running around all over your hands. Isn’t that a disturbing image? Do you KNOW where Carrot Top has been?!? And how big of a hurry can you be in that you don’t have 30 seconds to wash your hands? Unless you are the president of the United States, you don’t have anywhere that important to be (btw Obama, I still expect you to wash your hands unless there is some national emergency).

Also—this should go without saying—but can we please flush the toilet? How can you not flush the toilet? On my list of “Most Disgusting Things Ever” a non-flushed toilet is right above Diet Mountain Dew and right below dislocated body parts in my top 5. I’m not even going to go further in this paragraph because you all know when I bring DMD (aka the drink of the Devil) and/or dislocated body parts into the equation I am SERIOUS.

Lastly, this isn’t so much bathroom etiquette as it is a “What Were You Thinking?” statement to people who design bathrooms. My main beef is with the asshole who designed those water faucets. You know the kind that is a self-timer but you have to push it in to make it go? First of all, I have zero control over water temperature so it starts off cold enough to give me frostbite then suddenly becomes so hot that I get third degree burns. Second, the water runs for about 1.43 seconds. This makes ZERO sense. Aren’t all those health department people always telling us to wash our hands for at least 30 seconds or some nonsense? How am I supposed to do that if every other second the water is shutting off? Also, how are my hands ever going to be clean if I have to keep touching the faucet which has my germs and everyone else’s germs on it? I can’t decide if these faucets were designed by a mentally challenged blind child or are some terrorist attack designed to bring America down from the inside. Either way, it makes my life miserable.

Let’s face it. Public restrooms are nasty, dirty places that you should avoid at all costs. Seriously, just hold it until you get home or find a tree to squat behind. We would all be better off.