Dawson's Creek

Friends,

I’m sure you’ll all be pleased to know that I’ve recently rediscovered my love for Dawson’s Creek. And yes, we all know I’ve been known to be sarcastic on occasion but… I am 100% serious.

I. Love. Dawson’s Creek.

For those of you who don’t know, Dawson’s Creek is about a neurotic, whinny teenager named Dawson who literally ends the first episode talking about “walking his dog.” And yes, that is the clumsy masturbation metaphor you thought it was.

Ugh. He's the worst 

He has a best friend named Joey who everyone in town seems to think is the most beautiful girl in the world but I can’t look at without picturing a sad basset hound in even more sad 90’s clothing. And according to her daughter, her fashion sense has not changed.

Dawson has another best friend named Pacey who is the stereotypical f-up. In the 6 seasons of the show he manages to hook up with his high school teacher, drop out of high school, get punched in the face by virtually every character on the show, and get locked inside of a K-mart overnight. Basically he is awesome and I rooted for him from day one.

Last but not least is Jen. She’s the bad girl from New York who gets sent to live with her grandmother to straighten herself out. But she is, of course, the least troubled character on the show. Of course, at the end of the series they haul off and kill Jen ruining any chance they had of a semi-decent reunion.

I know it’s a little weird for me to say I love Dawson’s Creek when nothing I just said about the characters was very complimentary but I do love the show. Minus Dawson. He is the worst.

Haha just look at him. 

There are love triangles, teenage drug overdoses at raves (yeah, raves. Remember, this is the 90’s), random teenage stripper girls you meet on a bus (I’m still a little confused on the Eve storyline so if anyone knows…), teenage death by falling off piers, teens taking waltzing lessons, teens drawing each other in the nude for art class, and so many other things that totally happen in real life.

This is a normal high school art class, right? 

Plus, the teen angst on this show puts the teen angst on every other show both before and after to shame.

Dawson’s Creek literally had it all.

And yes, I know this was a little light on content but it’s pretty difficult to focus on writing a blog when I’m watching Dawson’s Creek. It’s just so good!

Bonus cry face

Celebrity Couples (and how they effect me)

Dear Celebrities,

I’ve got a serious bone to pick with you.

I understand your need to date. Even though you are soul-less, greedy liberals, you need the love of another to validate your self-worth. I also understand that being a celebrity leaves you very few ways to meet people who either are not connected to the entertainment industry or are not crazy stalkers.

But be advised: the minute you start dating another public figure, your relationship is no longer your own. It belongs to all of us.

So you better not f@ck it up.

My rant is clearly brought on by the news that Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez have broken up. Not that I was emotionally invested in their relationship. In fact, I typically try to pretend Justin Bieber doesn’t exist because the alternative is too depressing. Unfortunately, I seem to be in the minority as Twitter lost its proverbial sh!t when news of the split broke. Not only did “Justin and Selena” trend for longer than either “Obama” or “Romney” on election night, “#staystrongjustin” was also trending.

I'm sorry but can we all admit that Justin Bieber looks more like a lesbian than Rachel Maddow?

Clearly the American public was hurt more than either Justin or Selena and this is just the most recent example of our collective hearts being broken by the implosion of a Hollywood Power Couple.

I’m not a Twilight fan but the world almost ended when we found out that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart broke up (although I like to think that was more out of fear that either one of those people was back out on the dating market)

They--and their unwashed hair--are perfect together

I am personally still recovering from the news that Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman broke up. That marriage was Hollywood’s one constant. Whenever we were saddened by the news that TomKat was no more or that Bennifer had broken up, we could look to Danny and Rhea for hope and support. And now??? We are cast about like a rudderless ship on the ocean.

I think the root of America’s collective heartbreak stems from the shocking break-up of Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston. They were perfect together. Absolutely perfect. And then that skank Angelina—well, that’s another story for another day. Regardless, since then, we haven’t known where to turn. We are afraid to invest in any relationship because we don’t know what’s true. All we know is that we never want to feel the way we did on that cold, gray day in 2005.

After viewing that photo, take 5 minutes to sob alone before you continue on.

So here is my advice to you, celebrities of all shape, size, color, or gender; don’t you DARE break our hearts again.

When you start dating someone new, think about the size of the fan base behind both you and your new bf/gf. Every single person in that fan base is now a part of your relationship. If you don’t think your relationship is going anywhere, get out of it now before we all get emotionally invested.

What starts as a single date for you, turns into a lifetime of therapy for people naïve enough to think you were going to make it work.

I’m not going to say it is better to die alone than start and end a public relationship but… I’m not willing to go through another Ryan Gosling-Rachel McAdams fiasco.

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO MOVE ON FROM THIS?

Keep us in mind or keep it in your pants.

Sincerely,

People Who Have No Firm Grasp on Reality