Side Effects Include...

I will be the first to admit, I am extremely susceptible to television advertisements. I normally don’t watch commercials (I flip through other channels until the break is over) but when I do watch them, I immediately want whatever they are selling. I am a proud owner of the SHAM-WOW (btw it is pretty f-ing awesome), I really want to buy one of those slap chops, and I have honestly even considered ordering some of those music compilations (they make them seem so AWESOME).

Being the hypochondriac that I am, of course, the ones that convince me the most are all those prescription drug ads.

Anytime they ask “Do you suffer from..?” “Do you ever feel like..?” “Unsatisfied with..?” I always, always answer, “YES”! I don’t know how they know me so well but at the end of every single one of these commercials, not only am I convinced I have whatever disease they’re talking about, but also think I need to talk to my doctor immediately to see if drug so-and-so is right for me.

And yes, for those of you who know me well, this really isn’t that big of a surprise. I am the kid who used to fake sick to get to drink cough syrup. If I sneeze more than once a day, I pop an allergy pill. At the slightest upset stomach I will guzzle Pepto-Bismol. If I have the slightest tickle in my throat I will load up on Nyquil “just to be sure”. And—full disclosure—I eat cough drops in the place of candy.

Talk about a night cap

Before you start planning an intervention for me, let’s get back to my original point—TV drug commericals.

I always want to buy them up until the minute they start listing side effects. If I am watching a 60 second commercial and at least 30 seconds of it consists of listing side effects, I’m going to go ahead and call for a time-out.

I’m watching a commercial about a drug that helps grow out eyelashes and you are listing side effects that sound like the biblical plagues. I’m not comfortable with the fact that you read these side effects either in a voice that’s going so fast I can’t understand what you’re saying (wait… did you just say “anal leakage?”), or in the same calming, happy voice you told me about all the good stuff (most people don’t sound happy when talking about kidney failure). It also concerns me that you start by listing pretty minor side effects like headaches or nausea then try to subtly transition into major ones like heart attacks, strokes, or death (you’re not fooling anyone).

I’m actually really glad they list these side effects though, because otherwise I would be in and out of my doctor’s office every week asking if Celebrex and Boniva are right for me and wondering if Adovart will help with my enlarged prostrate.

As it is, until they come out with a drug that has zero side effects, I guess I will just have to be happy cleaning up messes with my SHAM-WOW while rocking out to “Monster Ballads” (no lie, I actually own this 2-disc set of AWESOMENESS).

Put this on my Christmas wish list