Guys. I know I normally talk to you about funny things in the hopes that my considerable intellect and wit will shine a ray of sunshine to your otherwise dark, colorless lives but today, we need to get serious.
There are many things wrong with America. The deficit. The wars. Gay rights. Racism.
We all take different approaches to dealing with these problems. The Tea Party protests and asks inane, nonsensical questions relating to the President’s birthplace while ignoring more important issues like Hillary Clinton in a position of power (A WOMAN secretary of state? Next thing you know, we’ll be allowed to vote and get jobs outside of the home! We can’t stand for that.) The Occupy Wall Street movement has become a worldwide movement of bleeding heart liberals who want… Wait, does anyone know what they want?
Whatever. This is all beside the point.
For the past few years, I’ve been willing to sit back and let this country go to the dogs but there are some things that are too important, too dear, too sacred to let go. That’s why I need to talk to you about something very important.
This is a really tough thing for me to say and probably the most personal thing I have ever written about (or will ever write about) but I couldn’t sit by and let this happen.
Whew. So here it goes.
Guys, we really need to do something about Lindsay Lohan.
She’s going to pose for playboy and it is up to us to stop her.
I sat by as she shamelessly stole that necklace from the store.
I laughed at her escapades in rehab (on a side note, after she gets out of this mess, she should consider writing a Zagat guide on rehabs. Let’s face it, she’s been around. I’d trust her opinion)
I was thrilled for her when she was became a lesbian (love is love folks).
I even sat back and let her make terrible movies like Herbie: Fully Loaded and I Know Who Killed Me.
But I cannot and will not sit back as she poses for playboy.
I mean, let’s think about this. She was delightful, innocent, and spunky (times 2!) in The Parent Trap.
She was scheming, naïve, and Plastic (in the best possible way) in Mean Girls.
She was a part of Saturday Night Live’s best skit ever (I don’t care if you prefer the original SNL or SNL with Kristen Wiig or what not but this skit is hands down THE BEST). For those of you not in the know, it was a hilarious Debbie Downer at Disney World skit (long live Rachel Dratch) http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/debbie-downer/1087347
So, what would the mom in The Parent Trap (RIP Natasha Richardson) say if she knew her little ginger child was now a coked out blonde anorexic who takes advantage of the “five-finger discount?” (also, that’s totally my thing so Lindsay needs to back the F off) Yeah, that’s right. That sound you just heard was Natasha Richardson having a heart attack in heaven. Oh. And Ms. Richardson, NOW SHE’S GOING TO STRIP FOR PLAYBOY! What happened? I feel like someone went back in time and raped my childhood.
What would Ms. Norbury say if she knew how her star math student turned out? The same student who won the Mathlete competition (“The limit does not exist!”)! I supposed Ms. Norbury wouldn’t be that shocked about Cady Heron doing drugs though (we all remember what the Burn Book said about Ms. Norbury…) but Cady Heron posing for playboy? Seems slightly out of character. I guess it wouldn’t be too big of a leap, though: am I the only one who remembers the uncomfortable scene when the four high school girls essentially performed a burlesque number in front of their parents, teachers, and the whole student body (while showing off their student bodies)?
Anyway, this long, drawn out blog has been an impassioned plea. A plea to return America to its glory days.
Without Lindsay Lohan, what kind of future can we have?
Please, spread the word. Together, we can make a difference.
Lindsay, you are not alone.
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