A Cry For Help

Guys. I know I normally talk to you about funny things in the hopes that my considerable intellect and wit will shine a ray of sunshine to your otherwise dark, colorless lives but today, we need to get serious.

There are many things wrong with America. The deficit. The wars. Gay rights. Racism.

We all take different approaches to dealing with these problems. The Tea Party protests and asks inane, nonsensical questions relating to the President’s birthplace while ignoring more important issues like Hillary Clinton in a position of power (A WOMAN secretary of state? Next thing you know, we’ll be allowed to vote and get jobs outside of the home! We can’t stand for that.) The Occupy Wall Street movement has become a worldwide movement of bleeding heart liberals who want… Wait, does anyone know what they want?

Whatever. This is all beside the point.

For the past few years, I’ve been willing to sit back and let this country go to the dogs but there are some things that are too important, too dear, too sacred to let go. That’s why I need to talk to you about something very important.

This is a really tough thing for me to say and probably the most personal thing I have ever written about (or will ever write about) but I couldn’t sit by and let this happen.

Whew. So here it goes.

Guys, we really need to do something about Lindsay Lohan.

 This is about as many mug shots as Charlie Manson has. Not ok.

She’s going to pose for playboy and it is up to us to stop her.

I sat by as she shamelessly stole that necklace from the store.

I laughed at her escapades in rehab (on a side note, after she gets out of this mess, she should consider writing a Zagat guide on rehabs. Let’s face it, she’s been around. I’d trust her opinion)

I was thrilled for her when she was became a lesbian (love is love folks).

I even sat back and let her make terrible movies like Herbie: Fully Loaded and I Know Who Killed Me.

 Remember this movie? Me neither.

But I cannot and will not sit back as she poses for playboy.

I mean, let’s think about this. She was delightful, innocent, and spunky (times 2!) in The Parent Trap.

She was scheming, naïve, and Plastic (in the best possible way) in Mean Girls.

She was a part of Saturday Night Live’s best skit ever (I don’t care if you prefer the original SNL or SNL with Kristen Wiig or what not but this skit is hands down THE BEST). For those of you not in the know, it was a hilarious Debbie Downer at Disney World skit (long live Rachel Dratch) http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/debbie-downer/1087347

So, what would the mom in The Parent Trap (RIP Natasha Richardson) say if she knew her little ginger child was now a coked out blonde anorexic who takes advantage of the “five-finger discount?” (also, that’s totally my thing so Lindsay needs to back the F off) Yeah, that’s right. That sound you just heard was Natasha Richardson having a heart attack in heaven. Oh. And Ms. Richardson, NOW SHE’S GOING TO STRIP FOR PLAYBOY! What happened? I feel like someone went back in time and raped my childhood.

 Her face says it all.

What would Ms. Norbury say if she knew how her star math student turned out? The same student who won the Mathlete competition (“The limit does not exist!”)! I supposed Ms. Norbury wouldn’t be that shocked about Cady Heron doing drugs though (we all remember what the Burn Book said about Ms. Norbury…) but Cady Heron posing for playboy? Seems slightly out of character. I guess it wouldn’t be too big of a leap, though: am I the only one who remembers the uncomfortable scene when the four high school girls essentially performed a burlesque number in front of their parents, teachers, and the whole student body (while showing off their student bodies)?

 I can guess what's in their stockings. From left to right: Chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, and herpes

Anyway, this long, drawn out blog has been an impassioned plea. A plea to return America to its glory days.

Without Lindsay Lohan, what kind of future can we have?

Please, spread the word. Together, we can make a difference.

Lindsay, you are not alone.

Top 5 Internet Things You Wish You'd Found

As a busy college student, I spend a good deal of my time in the library. As a matter of fact, I spent 10 hours there last Friday-Sunday #humblebrag (don’t worry, I’ll explain later). Also, as a busy college student spending this much time in the library with a computer, I tend to get distracted on ridiculous internet things.

Typically, I am the kind of person who hates to share things that I think are cool for fear that others will think they’re cool too. Once other people think things are cool, I am psychologically programmed to no longer find them cool/interesting/worth my time. (That’s why I will not tell you my favorite bands or movies. Once you like them, they will be forever tainted in my mind. Don't worry, it's not your fault that you suck)

This doesn’t apply to internet gems, though. I actually enjoy showing people new things on the internet because I love the ego boost I get from people saying, “Oh my God! I really love (fill in the blank). Thanks so much for showing it to me! You always find the best stuff!” So here are the top 5 things you need to be checking out online (you’re welcome)

5. YouPorn

Free amateur and professional porn! What’s not to love! Plus you can send in your own!

JUST KIDDING. I just wanted to make sure I had your attention. Here’s the real list:

5. Your Kid's Art Sucks http://yourkidsartsucks.com/ 

Anyone who knows me knows that I don’t really have the best relationship with children. Sure, there are some great ones but most of them make my want to rip my ovaries out with my bare hands to make sure I never have to deal with one of my own. Anyway, this website looks at little Billy’s drawings and gives them hilarious—albeit harsh—reviews.

This picture’s review: “What they hell am I supposed to do with this besides try to figure out why there is a ghost going through a girl’s tragically bowed legs? I guess I can point out your moon looks like a croissant and those shoes would only make sense in Holland, but I think this drawing has enough not going on for it that it makes pointing those things out senseless.”

4. Hipster Hitler http://hipsterhitler.com/

Inappropriate? Maybe. Offensive? Possibly. Hilarious? Definitely. This online comic re-envisions Adolf Hitler as a Hipster and dresses him in delightfully inappropriate graphic t-shirts—my favorite is “Death Camp For Cutie”—which are available for purchase on their website.

3. Damn You Auto Correct! http://www.damnyouautocorrect.com/

I know some of you have probably heard of this before but if you haven’t, shame on you. We all love predictive texting, right? If I can make a solid spelling attempt at a word that is way beyond my spelling abilities, my blackberry can fix it to the right word without me having to do anything! It doesn’t always get the right word though and hilarious hijinks ensue. DYAC displays some of the best. Ps most of these seem to come from iPhone users and most of them are autocorrected to really dirty things. I’m not saying blackberry is better but MY phone didn’t change “cat” to “cock” so…

2. Pop Hangover http://pophangover.com/

I’m not really sure how to describe this site other than to say it’s a virtual gumbo of funny pictures. They essentially search the internet to find funny/ridiculous things and then post them… for your pleasure. (FYI most of the stuff they have is hilarious but check out the “Picdump” section for the biggest laughs)

1. Humblebrag on Twitter

If you aren’t on Twitter already, you really need to do it ASAP if for no other reason than so you can check out humblebrag. The basic concept of a humble brag is saying something with the intent of sounding humble which in reality is just a brag. For instance, “It’s so hard writing a good blog every week because there are just such high expectations!” Anyway, humblebrag on twitter searches various celebrity tweets for humblebrags then posts them for the world to see.

 

Here are some more awesome examples of humblebrags:

@TheFray “Just caught myself driving around denver just listening to the radio waiting to hear how my new single sounds.... I'm a nerd. –joe”

@fucktyler (aka Tyler, the Creator) “I Hope They Don't Ask For A Photo. I Just Wanna Buy This Movie A Go On With My Day, Cause Then 50 More People Will Ak For One. Fuck”

Check them out. They will make your day. Although they will then ruin your life because everything out of your mouth will sound like a humblebrag…

I hope you guys enjoy these internet gems but don’t forget the best thing on the internet… KB Thinks For You!

The Scariest Time of the Year... For Your Soul

It’s October 12. That means you have exactly 19 days to get ready for Halloween and I’m here to help.

I personally don’t celebrate Halloween (because it is a Satanic holiday that encourages people to go around in disguises wreaking havoc, sacrificing animals, and having orgies) but hey, I’m not here to judge you if that’s how you like to spend your day.

Not my style 

I’d also like to take this moment to point out that 364 days of the year we encourage children to stay away strangers and never ever ever accept treats from them but on Halloween we send them off to go from stranger’s door to stranger’s door literally begging for candy. Also, can I point out that our children say “trick or treat?” What does that mean? Are they offering to perform “tricks” for candy? Remember the “tricks” Julia Roberts did in Pretty Woman? Is that really what we want our kids doing for candy (candy which will lead them to a life of obesity and/or diabetes)?

 The future of America

However, if you still want to celebrate this demonic holiday, I’ve got some tips for you to make it the best holiday-that-will-potentially-(probably)-send-you-to-hell.

1.     Dress to impress

I know that Halloween is October 31 meaning almost November. There is a good chance that it’s going to be pretty f-ing cold. However, if you are a girl, that can’t matter. Everyone knows that Halloween means SLUT.IT.UP. If you are wearing more clothing than the average male swimmer, you’re doing it wrong.

 Girls: think something like this... but more revealing

2.     Get Candy

So, I know our nation is currently being smothered by the weighty pressure of the obesity epidemic and I’ll be the first person to tell you to eat healthy and exercise (even if I wont) but… It’s Halloween. Let’s not kid ourselves into thinking that carrots or pretzels or any other kind of health food will be eaten by these little fat asses waddling or rolling their way from house to house. They are getting Twix at the house before yours and Snickers at the one after, throwing your health food into the bushes in the meantime.

 Give him what he wants

3.     Go big or go home

You need to decide right now what kind of a person you want to be. You can either decorate your house to high heaven (or hell, since that’s where you will be going) or don’t decorate your house at all. Don’t half ass it. I expect your house to look like that creepy house from every horror movie ever made—you know the house that the people go in even though we all know that the crazy serial killer lives there? Or else don’t decorate it at all. Just don’t do that crap where you put one cobweb by your door and a half-ass jack-o-lantern on your steps.

 Pathetic

4.     Be safe

Fact: More children are abducted on Halloween than any other day of the year… combined (please note, this is not a real fact. I clearly don’t care enough about this blog to proof read it, let alone look up real statistics) Also, more STDs are spread on Halloween than any other holiday (see previous note). Let’s all be safe.

Parents: check your children’s candy for razor blades and roofies and anything else that doesn’t belong in your child’s mouth.

Children: don’t go into sketchy people’s houses/vans/etc.

Sexually active ladies/gentlemen: just because someone is dressed up as someone other than themselves doesn’t mean they don’t have all the diseases they have in their everyday life. The sexy nurse still has herpes and Captain America is dealing with a nasty case of the clap. Use protection. Or better yet, use good judgment and don’t hook up with some random person after knowing them for less than an hour.

This wont end poorly...

Twice the Fun

Two of my roommates turned 21 this weekend.

Yes, I said “roommates” as in “more than one.” In fact, they are twins (or “Twinzies”, as they are known in the wild). Due to my extremely large reader base and the fact that I have a few rabid fans who would probably harm the twins should their identities become known, they will be referred to as “twins” for the remainder of this blog (this has nothing to do with the fact that sometimes I forget their names or mix them up)

My twins (I’ve lived with them for two years so it’s ok for me to call them that) are completely different though.

One is an Art History Major. One is a Chemistry major.

One has short hair. One has long hair.

One is cool. One is not. (I’ll let you guess which one)

In all seriousness, the twins are pretty cool—and when I say “cool,” I don’t mean “frigid” like “wow, she sure is a frigid bitch.” I’m talking “cool” like “hey, have you read KB Thinks For You? It’s pretty cool.”

In honor of their birthday and in lieu of a present, I’ve decided to make this spectacular list of some of my favorite twins—not including my own twins, of course.

Oh and before you judge me about not getting them a real birthday present and offering this pathetic blog as a gift instead:

1. If you think this blog is “pathetic,” maybe you should stop reading it and… GO F YOURSELF

2. I offered them some chocolate Drumsticks but they rejected me and my delicious Drumsticks

3. I didn’t have enough money to buy them real presents because I am as broke as our political system…oh snap!

So, it is with great pleasure that I offer my list of Top 5 Twins of ALL TIME

5. Tegan and Sara

Have you ever thought to yourself, “geez, I’m really craving some sweet indie music from Canadians who just happen to be identical twin sisters and are both lesbians?” Well today is your lucky day because Tegan and Sara fulfill each requirement. Not to mention their music rocks… right, Raeann? (FYI Raeann told me they’re “pretty good! Besides the fact that their voices make me want to rip my eyes out”) Look at their picture. You can tell they're indie and cool because they have that green stripe on their face and aren't looking at the camera.

4. Jenna and Barbara Bush

Remember when we had a president who had twin daughters who ran rampant around DC leaving death and destruction in their wake? Ah… those were good times. Sasha and Malia, if you’re reading this; step your game up!

3.Mary Kate and Ashley

I know some of you may disagree and say they deserve to be higher on my list but—frankly—I don’t really care what you think. They should be thankful that they are this high at all. I will readily admit that “Our Lips Are Sealed” is one of the Top 10 greatest movies of all time and the many Adventures of Mary Kate and Ashley are some cinematic gems but can we all be honest and admit that Michelle Tanner on Full House was terrible? The show has been off the air for years now so I think it’s completely ok that I say that she was my least favorite character and her oft quoted line “you got it, dude” made me want to stuff my head in the oven.

2. Those twins in that Disney Channel Original Movie Wish Upon A Star

Ok, I admit I probably should have done more research when writing this blog—like actually looking up what their names were—but I think we can all agree this movie was awesome. For those of you who have forgotten, there are two sisters who hate each other but inadvertently switch lives by—you guessed it—wishing on a star. Actually, come to think of it, I’m not sure these two were actually even twins. They might just have been sisters. Oh well. Let’s just pretend for the sake of this blog that they are twins (and let’s face it, the movie would have been a lot better if they had been) PS this is the one and only time I'll ever say I liked Katherine Heigl. The greatest day of my life was when she left Seattle Grace forever. Good riddance, Izzy Stevens.

1. Hallie Parker and Annie James

If you are scratching your head and asking yourself who these two are: SHAME ON YOU. They, of course, are the delightfully spunky twins separated at birth in the remake and infinitely better version of The Parent Trap. And yes, I know that there aren’t really two ginger twins running around but there is one Linsay Lohan with at least 5 times the normal amount of jail sentences so I think it all evens out. Plus, she gets props for playing two characters at the age of 11 (one of whom has a spot on British accent, old chap). Not to mention, the handshake in the movie is legit.

PS. How the F@$# did they take this picture?????? My mind is being f@^%*$ right now.