Kids These Days

Geez. Kids these days… I tell you what…

I know basically every generation says “I was nothing like that when I was a kid” but I really truly believe I really was nothing like that when I was a kid.

And, lucky for you, I’ve been putting a lot of thought into just what it is about this generation of rugrats that is so different from mine.

Speaking of “Rugrats”… kids these days don’t have the same kind of awesome television that I had growing up.

How can you compare something like “Yo Gabba Gabba” to television gold like “Hey Arnold!”?  “Hey Arnold!” was a beautiful story about kids of all ethnicities growing up together and learning to accept their differences while cool jazz music played in the background.  It also gave my generation the iconic catchphrase “Stoop Kid’s afraid to leave his stoop!” “Yo Gabba Gabba” sounds like some sort of tropical disease that you need to get shots for.

Or how can you compare “Dora the Explorer” to “Rocket Power”? “Rocket Power” was about a few bad ass kids who were pretty much champions at every sport. They also had a father whom they called “Raymundo” and a friend named “Maurice” who answered to “Twister”. I can’t make up that kind of awesome. As far as I can tell, “Dora the Explorer” is about a little Mexican girl who has been wandering around rain forests with a rabid monkey and no adult supervision. What kind of message is that?

Another problem with kids today is their sensitivity.

Listen, I’m all for positive encouragement, pats on the back, smiley face stickers, rainbows and unicorns, and all that good stuff (mainly because I work with children and am required to say that) but there comes a point when we coddle our children to the point they become unbearable, overly dependent pansies with superiority complexes.

When I was younger, we didn’t get “Participation” ribbons. If you won, you got a ribbon. If you lost, you didn’t. It’s as simple as that. Why are we giving our kids medals and ribbons to commemorate the fact that they showed up? Since when are rewarding kids for the simple act of stepping out of their mother’s mini-vans? That’s not an accomplishment!

Do you think kids in China get medals for showing up? Do you think kids in India get told “good effort” even if they don’t win? Nope. They get shipped away to AT&T customer service centers to make our lives a living hell.

Speaking of sensitivity, what are we all so afraid of? The crap we give our kids as “entertainment” is all so watered down and politically correct. When I was younger, my favorite children’s story was the Grimm Brother’s “Ashenputtel” (the original version of “Cinderella”). There was death, deception, male chauvinism, talking animals, bloodshed (birds peck out the eyes of the two evil step sisters), and self-mutilation (the sisters cut off chunks of their foot in hopes of fitting it into the shoe). What more could I ask for in a story?

Now children’s stories have to be considered “age-appropriate” and all the stories are mushy feel good crap with happy endings. How about you quit trying to tell me when the appropriate age is for me to introduce my child to bloody revenge? And, while we’re discussing it; I know a place where you can shove that rainbow and unicorn crap…

Anyway… I’m sure this generation will say it about the generation that comes after them just like every generation has since the beginning of time but kids these days just aren’t like I was.

Then again, I did have to 15 miles. To and from school.  In the snow. Every day. Uphill both ways.

Life's Unanswerable Questions

Questions

In 1963, Bob Dylan asked a number of unanswerable, philosophical questions in “Blowin’ In the Wind.”

Today, I ask more.

1. Why is it that homeschooled children are almost always pasty white? Wouldn’t you think they would have plenty of spare time to go outside and soak up some rays? People always say that homeschooled children have a hard time fitting in the real world because they have no social skills but I believe it is because their skin is simply so bright that it is painful to look directly at them.

2. Why is it that the people who make their Facebook statuses inspirational messages—that I can only assume they found on the inside of a Dove chocolate wrapper—are the same people who constantly update their status about how upset they are? One day the status will be “Life isn’t the about the amount of breaths you take but the amount of moments that take your breath away” and their status the very next day will be “ugh… wishing u would call! Y do I always wait for u when u only hurt meeee? L” (it should be noted that this isn’t directed at one person; rather 90% of female Facebook users under the age of 22) Do these inspirational statuses not inspire you enough? Do you simply not understand the actual meaning of the inspirational status? Or is there a negative correlation between writing inspirational statuses and actual physical happiness? Because, if so—considering the fact I have never said anything inspirational, let alone posted it on Facebook—I should be a fricken Prozac commercial.

3. How do two ugly parents produce a cute child? And on the same note, how do two beautiful parents make an ugly kid? Is it karma? Do two ugly’s cancel out and make a pretty and vice versa? Is there a way we can set up an exchange program and put all the ugly kids with the ugly parents and cute kids with pretty parents? (And for those of you saying “all babies are cute!” I ask you to go look at your own baby pictures and see just how wrong you are)

4. Why, after years of shows like “What Not To Wear,” “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy,” and all the other makeover shows, do people still insist on wearing socks with sandals? Either it's warm enough for sandals or it's cool enough for socks. Not both. Or male above-the-knee jorts? Or any form of fanny-pack (with the exception of my friend Heather who can pull off the Sturgis Rally gear-with-fanny pack look better than anyone I know)

5. Lastly, and most importantly; what if the Hokey Pokey really IS what it’s all about?

I would like to close this post with an inspirational message:

If life gives you lemons; make lemonade;

If life gives you trees; lay in their shade;

If life gives you meaningless metaphors that have no real-world applications… well, at least you’ll always have KB Thinks For You to tell you what to do.

The Insanity of the Littlest Princess

I’m going to be honest, I was far too lazy to write a blog this week.

And by “lazy,” I mean, “dead tired”

One of my friends asked me to try the Insanity workout today and I am so exhausted that I can barely string together a coherent sentence, let alone a whole blog! (And obviously, my only reason for saying this is so that everyone knows that I’m doing Insanity and therefore knows how awesome and hardcore I am.)

So, I’ve instead decided to post something from the vaults; one of my awesomely instructive children’s stories. Enjoy.

THE LITTLEST PRINCESS

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away and long a go forgotten, there lived a King and a Queen. They were very happy for they lived in a prosperous kingdom, had many friends, and lived in a time of peace. The only thing that could make them happier is if they had children. But, alas, the Queen had a hostile uterus and the King had a dangerously low sperm count so they thought they would never have children.

But, one day, as the Queen sat alone in the garden, a flower opened and spoke to her. It said, “You shall have the perfect child that you have always wished for but you shall also have six worthless daughters who will bring nothing but a headache.” Then the flower withered up and died.

In due time, the flower’s prophecy was fulfilled and the Queen gave birth to seven beautiful daughters. Each day the girls grew more and more beautiful. But none were more beautiful than the Littlest Princess. Even though the littlest Princes was the most beautiful princess and the favorite child of the King and Queen, she idolized her older sisters and worked to be just like them. This was not very wise of the littlest Princess, however, because they were the six terrible daughters the flower had warned of.

The eldest princess was the greediest person on the planet. Whenver she went shopping, she bought everything in the store just so she would have it and no one lese could. The eldest princess’s greed extended to food also. At every meal, the eldest princess would eat until she was sick and soon her weight passed that of a baby elephant. One day, as the princess was eating a whole chicken, the wishbone was lodged in her throat and she choked and died. And so the Littlest Princess learned the virtue of Moderation.

The second princess was always in a hurry and never had time to do anything properly. She constantly drove her horse through the village at such a fast pace that she would run over children playing and old people crossing the street. One day, all the princesses decided to go swimming in the moat. However, the second princess had just eaten. The other princesses warned her to wait an hour before swimming but she was too impatient. The minute she hopped into the water, she got a cramp and sunk to the bottom where she was eaten by an alligator. And so, the Littlest Princess learned the virtue of Patience.

The third princess was the meanest person on earth. All she thought of was herself and she constantly bullied others. Her favorite thing to do was ride through the village and mocking ginger children for their red hair, freckles, and soul-less-ness. One day, as she rode through the village torturing gingers, a giant ginger came out and stepped on her and she died. And so, the Littlest Princess learned the virtue of Kindness.

The fourth princess was the most promiscuous girl in the world. Instead of having three meals a day, she liked to have 3 men a day. The fourth princess also liked to dress like a prostitute and typically wore nothing more than fishnets and a tank top. One day, as the princess walked outside, the sun began to shine so brightly that the princess’s skin simply melted off for lack of covering. And so, the Littlest Princess learned the virtue of Modesty.

The fifth princess was the stupidest girl in the world. The Princess would constantly get lost in the castle and forget how to find her way back. Sometimes she would go missing for days before they would find her in a corner; shriveling away because she was too stupid to feed herself. One day, she ordered a coffee from McDonalds’ but didn’t read the warning label about Hot Liquids. She poured the hot coffee all over herself and died instantly from third degree burns. And so, the Littlest Princess learned the virtue of Intelligence.

The sixth princess was incredibly smart but also very cunning. She often made deals with people then backed out or stabbed them in the back. One day, she backed out on a deal with a crack whore who snapped and killed the sixth princess with her rusty switch-blade. And so, the Littlest Princess learned the virtue of trustworthiness.

And now, the King and Queen had the perfect child they had always wished for and the three of them lived happily for many years until the King and Queen died of old age. Then, the Littlest Princess became the Wisest Queen and people came from across the land to see their Queen’s goodness and beauty. And when the Wisest Queen finally died, her daughter became Queen (although the daughter was a manic-depressive, meth addict who put the country into massive amounts of debt and started numerous wars which eventually lead to the downfall of the country)

And they all lived happily ever after.

Fin.

KB's Career Day

Yes… I will be a senior  in college this year

Also, yes… I am aware I look like I’m 12 years old

No… I have no idea what I’m going to do when I graduate

And yes… If I get asked what I’m going to do one more time, I’m going to go Britney-Spears-circa-2007 crazy

But, since I know I will continue to be asked, I’ve decided to narrow down my list to three possible career paths and three “no-way-in-hell” career paths.

On my ABSOLUTELY NOT list are:

1.     A customer service representative

This should be pretty self-explanatory. Anyone who knows me knows I am the absolute worst choice for any sort of job that requires being nice to people and listening to their problems. After some serious soul-searching, I think I know why this is a) I am not a nice person and b) I really don’t care about your problems. Phew… that was really difficult for me to admit but I’m glad I got it off my chest. Now, go talk to someone who cares.

2.     A politician

Now, I may be a manipulative, egocentric, amoral bitch buuuuut I’m NOT as low as a politician. Right? RIGHT? Not to mention the fact that in order to get anything done in a democracy you have to compromise and work together… neither of which are part of my skill set.

3.     A member of Guy Fieri’s entourage

I love the Food Network. And I mean I really LOOOOVE the Food Network. I eat up (pun intended) Paula Dean’s disgusting over-use of butter, Rachel Ray’s ridiculously raspy voice (say that 3 times fast), the Neely’s not-so-subtle sexual innuendos, and Ina Garten’s never ending supply of denim shirts and gay best friends. BUT. I cannot—will not—never will—like Guy Fieri. I dislike everything from his perma-bleached/perma-spiked hair to his skateboarder shoes. From his bowling shirts to his over-long shorts. From his cheesy jewelry to his sweatbands. From his backwards sunglasses to his backwards… Especially his backwards sunglasses. Let’s just leave it at this: if I were a member of his entourage, he would either be forced to become a contributing member of society or… he would end up dead (either choked to death by one of his many chains or dropped into a large vat of grease supplied by one of the many establishments on Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives)

Now onto my POSSIBLE list:

1.     Mountain Dew taste tester

Being the fine beverage maker that it is, I assume Mountain Dew has people on staff who’s only job is to test the quality of the product. Why not make it someone who has been endorsing Mountain Dew for free for the last decade? It’ll be a nice “you scratch my back, I scratch yours” situation. They get to hear how amazing their product is AND I get paid to drink it! Win-win-lose (the “lose” is for my already dangerously low bone density) Representatives of Mountain Dew who are undoubtedly reading this… I’ll be waiting for your call.

2.     Airline Stewardess

I love flying. I love going new places. I love wearing a uniform because it means I don’t have to pick out clothes every day. I love making announcements over intercoms. And, I love allowing small amounts of authority go to my head. It sounds as though I was born to be a flight attendant. Not to mention the fact that if you piss me off, I could just “accidentally” run over your foot with that heavy drink cart.

3.     Dark Lord (technically “Dark Lady” but that doesn’t have the same ring)

I’ve given this a lot of thought and I think this is really the only possible career path open to me. What does someone do when they have unsurpassed intelligence, an unquenchable thirst for power, and the need for minions? They become Dark Lords, of course! I figure I’ve already got everything I need (except for an evil laugh which I’m currently working on). I’ve just got to go out there and carpe diem or rather, carpe mundum (seize the universe).

Well, there you have it. Next time, instead of asking what I’m going to do when I graduate, ask me something interesting, like “what do you consider to the be the single greatest development in human psychology in the last 50 years?” or “how many Mountain Dews have you had today?”

My answers might surprise you.

For instance, I have had zero Mountain Dews today. Then again, I only woke up 15 minutes ago…