The Seven Deadly Commandments and Other Things I Don't Understand

Hello, fellow sinners. If you are reading this, like me, you were not raptured up to heaven this past Saturday. Naturally, I was shocked when I woke up on Sunday to find I was still in my room decorated with Satanic symbols rather than sleeping on a bed of clouds while angels played a harp nearby.

Since I suffered through the humiliation of not be raptured up once, I don’t plan on being left behind again. I’ve decided to readjust my life to make sure I make the cut next time.

However, my understanding of morals is… cloudy at best. I’ve always lived my life by the credo “do what you want, when you want and screw the consequences” but I’ve recently been informed the technical term for that is “amoral” and apparently that’s not the best way to get to heaven. So, I’ve decided to call upon you, my dedicated blog readers, to help sort me out.

First things first. I’m very confused about the whole “Seven Deadly Sins” versus “The Ten Commandments” thing. I’m pretty sure breaking the Ten Commandments is frowned upon but the Seven Deadly Sins have “deadly” in the title so I’m assuming they aren’t too great either. Is one worse than the other? Or is it pretty much a lose-lose situation? And as far as the Seven Deadly Sins go, are some worse than the others? (FYI the sins are wrath, greed, sloth, pride, lust, envy, and gluttony). And what happens if you have more than one?

Take me for example. I clearly am filled with Pride. I acknowledge at least twice a day that I am the most awesome person I’ve ever met and say, “you’re welcome” to every one who has the pleasure of meeting me. I’m clearly also consumed with Sloth. I am the laziest person I know and would turn my room into a full time living chamber that I would never have to leave if it wasn’t too much work to do so. So I guess my question is, am I more screwed for being prideful or sloth-like? And are these sins like felonies where I will automatically be sent to Hell? Or like misdemeanors where I get a few chances and might just get stuck with community service in purgatory? And as far as the Ten Commandments go, are they hard and fast rules or more like… suggested guidelines?

I also need a little clarification about which sins are worse than others. Apparently talking about people in a “mean” way is considered a sin but I’ve also been told lying is a sin. This leaves me in a bit of a conundrum. If I say someone is a fat, lazy, imbecilic bitch and everything I’ve said is true… is that a sin? Or would it be better to lie and say, “she is a perfectly in shape, active, intelligent gentlewoman”? There seems to be a lot of gray area there…

I’m also wondering if you can cancel some sins out. Let’s take a completely hypothetical situation that I would never ever in a million years consider doing: robbing a bank to pay Fordham’s ridiculously high tuition. Remember, this is a fictional situation that I have not ever seriously considered. If I were to rob the bank in the morning and then help an old lady cross the street later in the day, do they sort of cancel each other out? Like do I get a blank slate after that? It seems like a more than fair trade off to me… (let’s be honest, old people smell weird)

Also, how big of a no-no is it to laugh at other people? I’ve been thinking and I think this is the one that could really bite me in the bum. Anyone who knows me knows I enjoy getting a chuckle out of the misfortunes of others (before you get up in arms about this, people are more than welcome to laugh at me in my times of distress). So, on a scale from 1 to Hell, how wrong is it laugh at someone getting their toes run over by a motorized wheelchair? (by the way, why do people in motorized wheelchairs insist on driving so fast? Correct me if I’m wrong but I thought you were trying to get from Point A to Point B, not break the sound barrier. And I’m pretty sure it’s not good for your chair if you’re barreling around corners on two wheels). Also, what is the moral stance on midgets? I’m going to assume that laughing at regular midgets is wrong but what about midgets in costumes? Or midgets eating carrots out of people’s hands like ponies (to be fair, I’ve never actually seen this but I would really like to)

Lastly, I was raised Catholic and I know that I am supposed to go to confession a certain number of times a year to get absolved of my sins. I’m going to be honest, though, I haven’t been to confession since I was confirmed as a sophomore in high school. Are these sins just sitting around in my body, slowly poisoning me? Can they physically manifest themselves in like a wart or pimple or ingrown hair or other physical deformity? Are sins like calories that go straight to your hips? And do I really have to go all the way to church to confess them? That’s like 4 blocks from my house (I told you I was a sloth). Can I just confess them here and now, say a few “Hail, Mary’s” and call it good?

I think I’m going to try it and see how it goes:

-I’m sorry that people are so jealous of me… but I can’t help it that I’m so popular.

-Alyssa, I’m sorry I called you a gap-toothed bitch. It’s not your fault you’re so gap-toothed.

-Gretchen, I’m sorry I laughed at you that time you got diarrhea at Barnes & Nobles. And I’m sorry for telling everyone about it. And I’m sorry for repeating it now.

-I have this friend who is a new student this year. And I convinced her that it would be fun to mess up Regina George’s life. So I had her pretend to be friends with Regina, and then she would come to my house after and we would just laugh about all the dumb stuff Regina said. And we gave her these candy bar things that would make her gain weight, and then we turned her best friends against her. And then… Oh yeah, Cady- you know my friend Cady? She made out with her boyfriend, and we convinced him to break up with her. Oh, God, and we gave her foot cream instead of face wash.

So… I think that’s it. What does that equal? Like 10 “Hail, Mary’s” and an “Our Father” for good measure? Am I in the all clear now?

Oh, and if any of these actions may have hurt or offended Glenn Coco, I apologize. You go, Glenn Coco.

Airports: Transportation to HELL

Sorry I’ve been MIA lately. I’ve been a little busy what with taking finals, packing bags, and trying not to blow my brains out as a result of end of semester nerves. Anyway, now that my room is packed up into boxes (a feat which is harder than it sounds… trust me. Right, Raeann?), I’ve taken all my finals with a reasonable chance of passing them (Herbie Handcock was the guy who signed the Declaration of Independence, right?), and made it to the airport (it was touch and go for a while. Seriously, I was stuck on 2^nd Ave between 38^th and 39^th for 20 minutes), I figured I would get back to doing what I do best: writing blogs. I know, my witty remarks are the highlights of your pathetic days so I’m sorry to have left you hanging so long.

Since I am currently sitting in the Minneapolis airport waiting for my flight, listening to the great classical music they insist on blasting, and avoiding the unwanted advances of congressmen from Utah, I thought I would focus my blog on air travel.

-Have you ever noticed that the junk in SkyMall is completely unnecessary and unappealing?... Until you’re 10,000 ft in the air. Then your only question is how you managed to survive without the world’s brightest flashlight or a belt that has a secret compartment to store money. There must be something about being up that high that makes your brain go a little funny because suddenly everything in that catalog looks Ah-mazing. Btw, Mom and Dad, I ordered some artificial topiaries that I think will really help pull your whole landscaping design together. (In all seriousness though, I spent far too much time looking at the “Harry Potter” movie memorabilia to joke about this)

-Have you noticed that time ceases to have meaning in an airport? 20 minutes waiting in line to check baggage is the equivalent of several sun soaked days by the beach while a 10 minute wait to go through security is about the same time as a month long vacation. The only time when time doesn’t move in slow motion is when you are about to miss your flight. Then it likes to jump ahead and go from 8:30 to 9:05 in the blink of an eye.

-If you see a child under the age of 3 who is screaming and crying and think to yourself “geez, I feel bad for the poor bastard that has to sit next to that kid,” you, invariably will be that “poor bastard.” And the child will proceed to cry for the majority of the flight before finally settling in for a nap… as the plane starts its final decent. Call me insensitive, but why can’t we put children in little crates like we do with dogs and cats? You know, just stick them in the baggage hold and then pick them up at baggage claim afterward.

-If you are running late and about to miss your flight, there is an unwritten rule at the airport that anything and everything that can go wrong, will go wrong. If you try to do self-check in, the machine will take forever to find your itinerary. If you have to check a bag, it will be 5 pounds overweight so you will have to dig through it and take out a bunch of crap that now has to be shoved into your already full carry-on. Then you will try to go through security only to realize the entire population of South Dakota (so about 1,000 people) is in line before you and they are all non-English speakers meaning they can’t read the sign that says “remove all metal from pockets”. This of course means it takes 15 trips back and forth through the metal detector before they finally get that last pesky nickel out of their pockets.

-It is also a rule that airports have to be the filthiest places on earth. If you’ve read my previous blog about public restrooms, you know how I feel about people getting their nasty germs everywhere. As far as I’m concerned, airports are just large public restrooms. All kinds of people with varying understandings of personal hygiene eating different types of smelly foods bought from airport vendors (who charge 25 dollars for each undercooked piece of “food”). Along with all of this are the numerous children running around (we’ve already established my feelings on children) and the people who insist on bringing their tiny, barking dogs on the flight. True story: I saw one of these nasty little dogs in the Newark airport throw up on the floor with the owner watching then both walked away just leaving a pile of vomit on the floor (to be fair, being in Newark makes me also want to vomit but I at least clean mine up). Safe to say, airports are filthy places that make me feel there are only two options for surviving them: wearing Hazmat suits at all times or taking an acid shower after leaving them.

I can guarantee there are numerous other things that suck about airports but even recounting this many is giving me PTSD flashbacks (my trips to the Newark airport are my own personal ‘Nam).

And to end on a completely unrelated note, since it’s summer and I’m going to be incredibly busy what with saving lives, teaching swimming lessons, and taking naps, I’m going to post a new blog once a week. Check back every Wednesday for a new insightful and delightful edition of KB Thinks For You.

Potty Mouth

Let’s get real for a second.

We need to discuss some bathroom etiquette. It may not be the easiest subject to talk about but if I can overcome my crippling Midwestern modesty and confront this topic, you too can take 5 minutes out of your day to learn about this growing problem.

First of all. Public restrooms are disgusting. Everyone knows this. The only thing dirtier than a public restroom is that animal carcass perched on top of Donald Trump’s head (haven’t you heard? Making fun of Trump is “in” now. If you haven’t seen this yet, check it out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k8TwRmX6zs4 ) Since bathroom filth is a known fact, I am absolutely shocked that I even need to say this but… Always, always, always wear shoes in a restroom. Honestly, how could you walk into a public restroom without shoes and not immediately want to chop your feet off then jump into a vat of acid? It is absolutely filthy. Even thinking about what could be on that floor makes me want to vomit. And if I ever see you in a bathroom without shoes on, I swear I will shun you for life (Hutterite style).

Secondly, there has always been an unspoken rule about bathroom stall etiquette but apparently some people need a refresher course. Unless the bathroom is absolutely packed, do not, under any circumstances go into a stall next to an already occupied stall. From what I understand, every guy knows the whole “never use the middle urinal” rule so why can’t we all learn the “don’t go right next to someone when there are 500 other stalls open” rule? It just creates a whole new level of awkwardness that is not necessary.

Thirdly, when I’m in a public restroom, I can HEAR when you leave without washing your hands. If you are over the age of 3, you have no excuse for that disgusting-ness. Seriously, who doesn’t wash their hands?!? Don’t you feel disgusting (because you should)? There are literally millions of little bacteria (which I imagine have to body of a tick and the head of comedian Carrot Top) running around all over your hands. Isn’t that a disturbing image? Do you KNOW where Carrot Top has been?!? And how big of a hurry can you be in that you don’t have 30 seconds to wash your hands? Unless you are the president of the United States, you don’t have anywhere that important to be (btw Obama, I still expect you to wash your hands unless there is some national emergency).

Also—this should go without saying—but can we please flush the toilet? How can you not flush the toilet? On my list of “Most Disgusting Things Ever” a non-flushed toilet is right above Diet Mountain Dew and right below dislocated body parts in my top 5. I’m not even going to go further in this paragraph because you all know when I bring DMD (aka the drink of the Devil) and/or dislocated body parts into the equation I am SERIOUS.

Lastly, this isn’t so much bathroom etiquette as it is a “What Were You Thinking?” statement to people who design bathrooms. My main beef is with the asshole who designed those water faucets. You know the kind that is a self-timer but you have to push it in to make it go? First of all, I have zero control over water temperature so it starts off cold enough to give me frostbite then suddenly becomes so hot that I get third degree burns. Second, the water runs for about 1.43 seconds. This makes ZERO sense. Aren’t all those health department people always telling us to wash our hands for at least 30 seconds or some nonsense? How am I supposed to do that if every other second the water is shutting off? Also, how are my hands ever going to be clean if I have to keep touching the faucet which has my germs and everyone else’s germs on it? I can’t decide if these faucets were designed by a mentally challenged blind child or are some terrorist attack designed to bring America down from the inside. Either way, it makes my life miserable.

Let’s face it. Public restrooms are nasty, dirty places that you should avoid at all costs. Seriously, just hold it until you get home or find a tree to squat behind. We would all be better off.

That Awkward Moment When...

Apparently missed the memo that “that awkward moment when…” is the new catch phrase. Never one to miss a new trend (I rocked Crocs with the best of them), I decided to make a list of my own “that awkward moment when…” entirely devoted to Facebook (simply because I was on Facebook when I saw my first “TAMW”)

That awkward moment when:

-You accidentally “like” your own status (I do this on my Blackberry at least once a week. Then it looks like I’m laughing at myself. And let’s face it, I’m already arrogant enough without “liking” myself)

-Someone friends you and you have to frantically search your history to delete any mention you may have made about them

-Someone tries to Facebook chats you but you don’t want to talk to them so you sign off

-Conversely, that awkward moment when you Facebook chat someone and THEY sign off

-Someone has a really funny status that you want to “like”/comment on but you don’t know them well enough

-Someone “likes”/comments on a picture from a few years ago (meaning they have been doing some pretty deep investigative work on your Facebook)

-You have to block certain people from seeing certain things

-You get invited to an event for an important cause but reject the invitation (that’s right. I will attend “International Kick a Ginger Day” but refuse to give a definite “yes” to “A Day Without Shoes” or “AIDS Walk”)

-You see someone’s status go from “in a relationship” to “single”

-Someone “likes” the change from “in a relationship” to “single”

-Someone asks, “how have we not been friends before this?” when you know perfectly well you deleted them a year ago (Raeann Schlenker, I’m talking to you)

-You go to creep on someone and realize sometime between the last time you crept on them and now, you’ve been unfriended (cuts like a knife)

-You innocently comment on a status only to have other people start an ideological battle on the same status leaving you with 50 notifications (and a migrane)

-You write a depressing status and someone comments with something along the lines of “get over it” or “hahahaha”

-People get in Facebook battles over who loves who more, complete with ;) and <3 (chances are you two will be broken up in less than 6 months)

-There are multiple people in the profile picture and you aren’t sure which person you’re friends with (hint, probably time to either reconnect or remove from friends)

-Someone says something stupid and someone else publicly calls them out on it

-A parent friends you (love you mom)

-Someone comments on something literally seconds after it’s been posted (been there, done that)

-Someone sends you a friend request even though you’ve ignored their first 3 attempts at it

-You have to untag yourself from the most unflattering picture you’ve ever taken even though you know a bunch of people have already seen it

-Someone “pokes” you (that’s never NOT creepy)

I’m sure there are more “TAMW…” when it comes to Facebook but there is also that awkward moment when someone rambles on too long and, let’s be honest, this blog is getting dangerously close.

Painting With All The Colors of the Wind

I live in New York. I’m from South Dakota.

Two worlds apart.

Seriously. It’s like Pocahontas. The settlers (New Yorkers) are just money-obsessed, arrogant assholes while the Indians (South Dakotans) just want to grow crops, read smoke signals, and talk to raccoons.

In this situation, I’m obviously Pocahontas. Bridging the gap between “races”. Speaking with wisdom beyond my years. Showing New Yorkers what corn is. Painting with all the colors of the wind. So on and so forth.

That being said, it is obviously my duty to explain both cultures to those of you who are ignorant (also, in keeping with this Pocahontas theme, try humming “Just Around the River Bend” as you read on).

South Dakota:

For all you city folk, South Dakota is a land locked state in the geographic center of the nation. It is also a barren wasteland with more cows than people.

-It has a rich heritage as the home of various Native American tribes. Unfortunately, unlike Pocahontas, they do not speak in song or have sweet names like Kocoum.

-It is a virtual gumbo of ethnicities and races with Native Americans, Scandinavians, and Germans. Ok, so it’s really just a gumbo made with three ingredients. Still tasty though.

-It also has the poorest county in the entire United States of America. Woo-hoo! At least we are topping the charts in something, right? Right?

-It has Mount Rushmore. Because nothing says, “Come check us out!” quite like a mountain of stone with old dead guys carved in it that costs 10 bucks to see.

-There are a lot of ranches and farms but contrary to popular belief, there is electricity, we do have the internets and cellular telephones, and there are not hitching posts in front of buildings (well, not MOST buildings)

New York:

It is the largest city in the United States and is, apparently, also a “concrete jungle where dreams are made.”

-It has some of the best food in the entire world and it is priced accordingly. Speaking of which, who wants to split the $1,000 desert at Serendipity? (On a completely related subject, why do they feel the need to put gold leaf on desert? I don’t understand the concept of paying out of my ass just so I have the pleasure of eating some flakes of metal)

-Site seeing opportunities are endless. The Statue of Liberty. Ellis Island. The Brooklyn Bridge. Tina Fey at 30 Rock. Well, I can’t see the last one until my restraining order expires but… you get the picture.

-There are so many public transportation options that you can get literally get anywhere for almost no money. That is… if you’re able to put aside the fact that the subways and buses are crawling with BILLIONS of germs (and the occasional crazy drunk)

There. Now you know everything you need to know about New York and South Dakota. You’re welcome.

And if I came across as pompous, it’s only because I’ve been in New York for so long.