KB Thinks For You: Tis the Season

In the midst of toxic political rhetoric, unprecedented partisanship in Congress, over-the-top political correctness, and a crippling national deficit, it’s easy to forget what this time of the year is about.

For those of you thinking I was going to say “presents,” not only are you wrong but you are shallow bastards who need to go to church ASAP.

This is the time of the year for Santa Claus.

You know, that morbidly obese man who wears a red fur suit, rides on flying reindeer, invades our homes for milk and cookies and leaves some crap under the Christmas tree which has a partially peeled off sticker from Toy’r’Us?

Yeah, that’s Santa.

Before we get further into this: yes, I am aware that Santa isn’t real. My mother and father kindly crushed that fantasy for me in the same night they told me the truth about the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

To be fair, I should have figured out the Tooth Fairy a lot sooner considering that the fairy that visited my house seemed to be quite a bit stingier than the one that dropped off 5’s and 10’s at my friends’ houses.

Stingy

But back to Santa. Where in the hell did this myth get started? I went to a Catholic elementary school so I am well versed in the story of Saint Nicholas putting crap like an orange in some kid’s dirty shoe but how did we get from there to here?

Oh, Saint Nick... you shouldn't have. You really shouldn't have

Now Santa is carrying around flat screen televisions and xboxs and ponies. I just don’t see the connection.

But, if we insist on feeding this myth to our children, I propose it’s time for an upgrade.

First, Santa needs to ditch the reindeer and sled. I don’t know if he’s ever watched National Geographic or the Discovery Channel or even Dora the Explorer but reindeer don’t fly and they certainly don’t have noses that light up.

On a side note, Santa lives at the f-ing North Pole with elves and a magical herd of reindeer but he needs his special-needs reindeer to guide his sleigh in the fog? Ever heard of a flashlight, old man? Better yet, just use FedEx.

Anyway, I’m suggesting Santa get his hands on an fleet of airplanes so he and his elves can cover more ground faster. Then his reindeer can get back to doing what they do best: playing reindeer games and generally not giving a f about anything.

Reindeer: they really DGAF

Second, Santa needs to slim down. We try to teach our children to eat healthy foods and be active yet their favorite person in the world is a fat ass with high blood pressure who survives on milk and cookies. Come on Santa! Get your shit together. Let’s face it: he doesn’t make the toys. The elves spend all year in sweat shop-like conditions making toys for about 15 cents an hour. That means Santa basically does nothing for 364 days of the year. The least he could do is go to the gym a couple times a week.

Still a few pounds away from that target weight

Lastly, Santa needs to reorganize his business plan. We all know that money talks. 99.9% of fights/arguments/wars are directly or indirectly about money. That being said, how does Santa survive? He makes no money throughout the year and gives everything away. Is this the message we really want to teach our children?

“Here you go. Work as hard as you possibly can all year but you’re never, ever going to see anything from this. Enjoy!”

Bahumbug, I say.

The only alternative to this, as I see it, is to stop perpetuating the legend of Santa. And I know just the person to help: Dick Cheney.