KB's Top Five Ways To Piss Me Off: Airport Edition

On Monday I had the great pleasure of flying Delta Airlines.

I say “great pleasure” because—let’s face it—we’re F-ING FLYING. In the old days, going from Pierre to New York would have taken months, years maybe… and judging from how well I did playing Oregon Trail years ago, I might not have even made it there. Now, all I have to do is hop on a plane, deal with the overwhelming body odor of the person next to me and I’ll be in New York in a few hours. That’s pretty sweet.

But let’s face it; there are a lot of things about flying that absolutely SUCK. I personally think there are a number of ways airports/airlines could improve things. Idea: get me a private jet so I don’t have to deal with the stupidity inherent in 99.9% of the population. Anyway, until airports/airlines change—and considering the fact the peanuts I was given today were from 1980, I don’t hold much hope for change—we are just stuck with the current system so… with no further ado:

KB’s Top 5 Ways to Piss Me Off: Air Travel Edition

1.     Bringing Your Child

Most of you already know how I feel about children so I won’t elaborate too much except to say… THEY MAKE LEASHES FOR CHILDREN NOW, THINK ABOUT PURCHASING ONE. Sure leashes look stupid but they work! Would you ever think about letting your dog run around an airport without a leash? Nope, but your dog doesn’t sprint around shrieking then yelling “Mommy! Look! Mommy!” every five seconds like that snot nosed hellion you call your child does. Chances are, if you’re flying with a child, you’re taking a family vacation. Chances are, if your child is under the age of 4, they won’t even remember the trip. Do us both a favor, and stay home.

2.     Brining Your Food on the Plane

So you ran to catch this flight and only had time to grab some food to eat on the plane? Thaaaaat’s fiiiiiiine. Don’t mind me. I’m just the person sitting next to you as scarf down your rotten egg salad sandwich that smells as though someone scooped up some week old road kill and slapped it between two pieces of bread. Mmm. Seriously. If you’re going to eat, grab something like chips or salad or a granola bar or some other non-pungent food. That way you still get to fill your stomach and I don’t have to use your purse to empty mine.

3.     Seatmates That Want to Talk to You

My seatmates on Monday were absolutely delightful. The first guy never said a word to me and spent the whole time reading. The next girl slept the whole time and never bothered me (other than with her gross mouth breathing and not-so-subtle subtle nose picking). Listen; if we’re lucky, you and I will never see each other again so why make small chat with me and pretend you care about my life because—make no mistake—I don’t care about yours. At all. So why ruin this good thing we have going by trying to talk? Not to mention, attempting to talk to a stranger on a plane is fraught with complications. For instance: how long do we talk for? The whole flight or until the plane takes off or what? Also, what if you say something they find offensive or vice versa? You are stuck 6 inches away from them for the next 13 hours! So, do you see now why it’s better if we both just respect each other’s privacy (and by that I mean: F OFF)

4.     Airport Prices

I’m not really talking about the actual cost of an airplane ticket. Yes, we can both agree it’s pretty steep but like I already pointed out… YOU’RE F-ING FLYING. I think I can pay 400 bucks for convenience. I’m talking about the prices of literally everything sold in airports (which apparently are now substitute shopping malls with parking for jets). Let’s say I’m really hungry. I have multiple options: the 7 dollar salad, the 6 dollar piece of pizza, the 9 dollar sandwich, or do I splurge and go for the 15 dollar hamburger? All of which, by the way, taste like shit. This outrageous extortion is a malicious plot of the airports who aim to squeeze every last penny out of you. Once you’re through security, you’re screwed! Your only options are to eat at anyone of the airport vendors or starve yourself. Pretty smart move on the airports’ part isn’t it? Assholes.

5.     Airline Workers

I’ve always heard that United States Postal workers are some of the most disgruntled employees in the world but I think they must be a distant second to airline workers. Yeah, I’m sure working at an airport with a bunch of tense people worried about missing their flights, entitled assholes who don’t understand why everything isn’t on their schedule, and children (see #1) wouldn’t be much fun but I simply handed you my boarding pass, why are you acting like I vomited on your face then asked you to clean up the mess? Also, is it just me or does it seem like all airport workers are having contests with each other to see who can be the most unpleasant?

Yeah, flying is definitely cool. And yes; I do love those little shortbreads they give out on flights. But… can’t we just all chill the F out, put our chairs in the upright and locked position, and have a smooth flight without you pissing me off? Apparently not.

Also, if you kick my seat one more time, I will throw you out of the plane with nothing but your seat cushion (which also serves as a floatation device). You know who you are.