Back by popular demand is another edition of “KB’s Top 5 Ways to Piss Me Off”
Last time, I discussed the top 5 ways to piss me off while I’m working at the pool. Since then, I’m sure I could add many, many, MANY new things to that list but I thought, “why limit myself to one arena of complaints? There are stupid people everywhere simply waiting for me to post a blog about them”
The rant du jour is people in grocery stores.
I don’t know if obese America’s eyes glaze over when they walk into a store filled with fatty, sugary, delicious, highly processed food or if the majority of Americans are that stupid all of the time but walking into a grocery store is a guaranteed headache.
So, with no further ado, here are the top 5 ways to piss me off in a grocery store:
1. Driving your vehicle
I know you need somewhere to stash all those packages of ramen noodles that you just bought but chances are, if you are parked within a 5 car radius of me or driving through the parking lot anywhere near me, I hate you. If you are under the age of 35 I’m assume you typically drive way too fast through the parking meaning I have about 1.2 seconds to slam on my brakes before I hit you. Of course, when I slam on my brakes, my freshly opened Mountain Dew sloshes everywhere. Two strikes, mother f@$#&*r. If you are over the age of 35, I assume you drive way too slowly, meaning, by the time you get pulled out of your spot and both of us are free to drive away, not only will my Mountain Dew be so hot as to render it undrinkable but I will have devoured half of my just purchased groceries under the mistaken belief I would be stranded there over night.
2. Using a shopping cart
I get it; we all have a lot of crap we need to buy in the grocery store but… most of you seem to be unable to handle the simple task of driving a shopping cart. I know a lot of carts have broken, squeaky, lazy wheels but I’m talking driver error. Grocery store aisles are specifically designed so two shopping carts can comfortably pass each other so please explain to me the reasoning behind driving it down the middle—presumably with your head up your ass—then parking it in there as you browse the isle at the speed of a turtle. Also, many people tend to leave their shopping carts in the middle of the parking lot meaning other people may accidentally strike them with their vehicles, making a dent which will cost 452 dollars to repair… But that’s a different story for a different time.
3. Asking if you can help me find anything
I’m sure store managers all over the country constantly remind their employees to be friendly and helpful but there are few things I hate more than being asked whether I need help finding something. Considering the fact that aisles of grocery stores are almost always labeled with what can be found in them and most grocery stores are set up in basically the same way, I find it extremely insulting to my intelligence that you think I need you to hold my hand and lead me through the store—it doesn’t take a genius to know that milk is located in the refrigerated section. It also makes me extremely self-conscious that someone is watching me over my shoulder: did I do something wrong? Do they think I’m shoplifting? What if they judge me for buying this brand rather than that brand? Needless to say, being under the microscope like that is hard on my already high blood pressure.
4. Standing in the check-out line
Once you’ve completed the arduous task of grocery shopping, you get the added pleasure of waiting in a check out line. I’m serious, convicted killers have spent less time in jail than I’ve spent in some of those check out lines. The absolute worst is when you have only one item, the “10 items or less” line is closed and the person in front of you is buying enough to stock her bomb shelter to survive a nuclear holocaust. I actually had an incident at Wal-mart the other day when a woman like that essentially raced to get in front of me in line. I had one item. She had approximately 3,745. And she insisted on going in front of me. Needless to say, I followed her out into the parking lot and slit her tires with my Bowie knife (which, incidentally, was the item I was purchasing)
5. Extreme couponing
The economy sucks. Unemployment is ridiculously high. No one has any money. Buuuuut… that’s no excuse for extreme couponing. First of all, I should define what I consider “extreme”: if you have more than 8 coupons that you are planning on using at one time, I consider you to be extreme. Now, before you bitch to me about how much money you can save using coupons, I’m going to present a hypothetical situation to illustrate how using this many coupons can actually cost you money. Helen uses 45 coupons on 60 items meaning she spends 160 dollars on groceries rather than 200. However, Helen was in line in front of KB who had to wait 3 hours for Helen to get all of her coupons rung up. KB could not wait that long and beat Helen. Helen spent the next 3 weeks recuperating in a hospital. At the end of the stay, Helen spent 50,000 dollars. That’s just not smart math, you guys.
So, next time you are in a grocery store buying twice your weight in zebra cakes, just remember WWKBWMTD (What Would KB Want Me To Do?)
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