College Survival Guide

Rapidly approaching is the time of year we all love to hate and hate to love: school is starting.

In a little over a week I will be heading back to the concrete jungle to continue my “higher” education. And by “higher” I mean “learn how to be pretentious on so many different levels that it will blow your mind”

So, I’ve taken the liberty of making a college survival list for all those newbies leaving home for the first time (or even some seasoned veterans whose brains have been so addled by drugs and alcohol they no longer remember)

1.    Never ever ever ever hook up with someone the first weekend of school. If you do, that person is guaranteed to be in every single one of your classes.

2.     
Doing hard drugs is fine in moderation. I mean, who doesn't like to do a line or two before class? But don't let it get out of hand. People love that girl who shoots up in the back of class but nobody likes the crazy running around campus talking to trees.

3.     Spring break is a magical time when you have even less responsibility than normal and no matter how low you may fall, there is always at least one person lower.

4.     
Never take your clothes off for money. It may seem like a good idea to strip to pay the bills but there is nothing more awkward than your economics professor shoving money into your g-string.

5.     
Indoor slip 'n slides seem like a good idea but there are a lot of ways that can go wrong and guess what? Shit gets real. Fast.


6.     If your grades start to slip, offer sexual favors to professors. This may seem like an ethically wrong plan but hey, do you think CEOs are worried about ethics? If you care about ethics I’ll pick you up a burger king application. You can be the one to tell the customer about the roaches.


7.     When you get kicked out of a restaurant, don’t go back. You think they won’t remember you, but they always do. Then you have to explain to your parents why you thought it was a good idea to do an abstract painting with ketchup and mustard on the walls at 3 am. (btw if someone from Denny’s is reading this, HOW MANY MORE TIMES DO I HAVE TO APOLOGIZE?)


8.     The most important thing to remember is that “I’m in college” is a good excuse for everything.

“why is one of your eyebrows shaved?” – I’m in college


“do you know there is a penis on your forehead?” – It’s cool, I’m in college


“didn’t you know that you can’t put metal in the microwave?”- no, cuz I’m in college


“it’s against the rules to climb into the polar bear cage”- whatevs, I’m in college


“1 pack of beer, 3 packs of ramen noodles, and mayonnaise. Is that all?” – yeah, I’m in college

Now, let’s all go back to school and remember what it’s really about: alcohol and bad decisions!