I thought about addressing this to Secretary Clinton or Senator Clinton but each of those titles only represent a small part of your public service. I thought about addressing this to Former First Lady Clinton but that reduces you to nothing more than the wife of someone and no one could accuse you of only being that. So I settled on the all-encompassing Hillary.
The anger, disappointment, and betrayal that I feel at not being able to address you as President Clinton is something that hasn’t faded since November 9th and I doubt it ever will.
But let the record show I am so incredibly proud of having been able to vote for you. I’m proud of being able to encourage others to vote for you.
And since the election, I’m proud of having not been wrong about you.
You have handled everything with grace, dignity, and hope that have given all of us who believe in you the same.
While nothing I can say will make up for the disappointment you must feel at being robbed of a presidency due to an outdated voting system that somehow allows the voices of a nearly 3 million strong majority to be invalidated, I hope the voice of one person can provide you the grace, dignity and hope you’ve provided to so many.
For everything you’ve done for me as an American, as a woman, and as a human: thank you.
I was with her. I’m still with her. I’ll always be with her.
I know this is hard to hear, but it’s over. It is essentially mathematically impossible for him to become the Democratic presidential candidate and even more so to become the President of the United States. I’m sure a lot of you are angry and disillusioned with politics because the person you believed could be the hope and change the country needs was beaten by an “establishment” politician. I understand that but it’s time to think about your next move.
I’ve heard a lot of people talking about voting for a third party candidate like Jill Stein. I’ve heard others say that Bernie needs to enter the race as an independent. I’ve heard others say that they’ll stay home rather than vote for Hillary.
How selfish can you be?
This is one of the most important elections that we will ever see and not for any good reasons. This is the election that could very well send Donald J Trump to the Oval Office. This is the election that could make Trump the face of our nation. The person in charge of our military. The person in charge of our diplomacy. The person with veto power. The person responsible for potentially nominating Supreme Court judges who will hear cases over equality, abortion, immigration, and other groundbreaking cases over the next few years.
So I ask again, how selfish can you be?
The unfortunate truth of the matter is that we live in a two party system and that will not change during this election cycle. Either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton will be the next president of the United States. Voting for a third party candidate is essentially the same as throwing your ballot away. Bernie running as an independent will split the liberal vote essentially ensuring Trump waltzes into the White House. Staying at home rather than voting means you are complicit in the election of Trump.
I said it earlier but I will say it again to drive home the point: the reality is that this election will come down to Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. And no matter how disillusioned you are with America right now, I challenge to to tell me in good faith that Donald Trump is a better alternative. The hope that some magical, better option will present itself to you is nothing but a pipe dream. You, as an American, have a duty to ensure that someone who continually spews hate, disrespect, and a supreme misunderstanding of American values like Trump is not in a position to "lead" us.
I could go on at length enumerating how awful Trump is and how disastrous his election would be but if you support Bernie Sanders, I know that you’re smart enough to know those reasons on your own. I’m not asking you to like Hillary. Lord knows most people have their minds made up one way or the other already. I’m asking that you (however begrudgingly) vote for her. Some of us will vote for her because she’s our first choice. Others will vote for her because they believe it’s important to keep a Democrat in the White House. Others will vote for her because she’s “the lesser evil.” Others will throw their vote away or stay home out of misguided moral superiority.
For the last group, I hope you can cling to that moral superiority for the next four years as the madman you were complicit in electing reeks havoc on our nation and our world.
I’m going to be honest, I’m really worried for you guys out
there.
And I don’t mean the general “guys” meaning “everyone.”
I mean “guys” as in penis possessing members of society
#doubleentendre
I’m worried because I don’t feel like you guys don’t know
how to be guys anymore.
Us ladies, well, thankfully, we have tons of helpful
articles and how-to lists to make us feel more feminine (ie how woman are
supposed to feel) but you guys have nothing. See?
You are left to blindly wander the earth never knowing if
you are doing the whole guy thing right.
Luckily, I’m here to help. So sit back, grab some lotion and
tissues… whoa whoa whoa. That was a joke.
That’s actually a good place to start though so let’s jump
right in to:
KB Thinks for You and Tyler Perry present Tyler Perry’s How
to Make a Guy in 10 Days:
Just thought of my next movie idea!
1.Sex
Let’s talk about sex baby / let’s
talk about you and me / let’s talk about sex. That’s right guys. In order to be
a man, you need to become an animal to your sex drive. They say that men think
about sex every seven seconds so just give in now. As a man, you are barely
above the state of dogs in heat. It is required that you frequent x-rated
websites, check out and rate all women that you see (preferably cat-calling
them), and talk to your “bros” frequently about how many “thots” you “banged”
last weekend when the club was “going up on a Thursday.”* Also, while reading
this single paragraph, you have either thought about sex about 8 times or else
you are probably a defective male.
*youth slang be confusing, yo
2.Sportsball
Guys like sports. It’s a simple
fact. Baseball. Football. Basketball. Hockey. Soccer*. If there are sweaty men
doing stuff involving muscles, grunting, slapping each other’s butts and
staring intimidatingly at other men, all guys are into it. But not in a gay way
(don’t worry, we’ll get to “gay” stuff later). Men need to me able to
intelligently** converse with other guys so their manhood won’t be questioned.
Make sure to know the names of a couple guys from each sport and have something
to say about it like “oh man, Kevin Love really hasn’t lived up to his price
tag in Cleveland” or something about a team as a whole like “the Marlins were
so overrated going into this season it’s great to see them struggling.” See,
did you feel your manliness grow? (not that
manliness. Pervert. But good for you for already incorporating tip #1 into your
life) Basically, ball is life.
JUST THE TIP of my foot was out of bounds, I swear
*and all other “European” sports
that true Americans don’t like
**“intelligently”
3.Guns
We’ve already established how
important sex is, as such, it’s not surprisingly that so much of a man’s self
worth comes from their schlong*. It’s a superbia
cum phallus, if you will #doubleentendre. So, as a guy, if you’re asking
yourself how you can prove your manliness while clothed, I have the answer for
you! Guns! What could possibly be manlier than a giant phallic object that
literally shoots out stuff that can kill your enemies? Guys need guns so that they can protect their
little ladies if anyone should threaten them. Guns are the only way to protect a
woman’s virtue** All manly men need guns (yes, guns plural. Just because you
can’t exchange your penis for a large caliber repeating rifle doesn’t mean you
can’t exchange your guns). To quote the late, great Governor Ratcliffe; “Man’s
not a man unless he knows how to shoot.”***
This is a man to trust
*sorry, I’ve never had occasion to
type that word before. Couldn’t pass up the opportunity
** a woman is worthless without
her virtue, much like an action figure is worthless once taken out of it’s
package (#nomorewomeninbinders #morewomeninplasticwrap #mintcondition)
***incidentally, Pocahontas is what happens when you let
your woman control you: you become a p@ssy, let someone shoot you, and go back
to England. Pocahontas 2 (although a
terrible movie that is a disgrace to Disney and America as a whole) shows what
happens when white men have power and use it to bend minorities to their will.
4.LBGTQIA
Manly man have to be opposed to
the gay community. Mainly because there are so many letters and reading is hard
#doubleentendre. But also if you aren’t strongly opposed to people off the same
gender (and all shades of sexuality that LBGTQIA encompasses) people will
probably think you’re gay! Can you
imagine anything worse than someone thinking you are attracted to another
person even though they don’t have a
vagina?!?! Bitch, please! It’s really important, as a manly man, that you
voice this opinion and refuse to be swayed by logical arguments or personal
testimonies (or simple Jesus-like “loving thy neighbor”) because once men make
up their mind, it’s made up. Not like women who are wishy-washy and slaves to
their emotion.
This is a face of manly sanity
Guys, I know this is a short list and you probably still
have so many questions but this will at least put you on the right path. I’m
really, truly sorry that you guys don’t have all those guiding forces out there
like women do to help you live up to expectations. Just don’t give up. Keep
your chin up and let your schlong* flap proudly in the breeze.
*twice in one day!
I’ll leave you wit some hope though. Watch these commercials.
See, you have not been forsaken, men!
If you join season 66 of Keeping
Up With the Kardashians, you will complete the final point of the
Kardashian Klan’s pentagram with Kylie, Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney (Kendall will
have left the family by this point)
This is you, now
If you complete the pentagram, a portal to hell will be
opened allowing Satan to reunite with his true form—Kris Jenner.
Waiting for Soul to meet Body, right Death Cab?
If Satan returns to true form, he will take over the earth.
Let's do this bitch
If he takes over the earth, God will have to send down
angels to fight him.
#messy
If the angels come to earth, humans will get caught in the
crossfire.
I can't think of anything worse
If humans get caught in the crossfire, everyone will die
with the exception of you, Bill O’Reilly, who is kept alive by rage, and Meg
Ryan whose plastic surgery has rendered her part robot.
RIP Real Meg Ryan
If it is just you, Bill, and Meg left on earth; it will be
up to you and Bill to repopulate the earth because Meg’s womb is plastic.
Foxy (see what I did there?)
If you and Bill have a child, it will be a hatemongering,
bald, angry toddler who you will eventually kill after realizing how awful it
is.
Look what you pushed out your who-ha!
If you have to kill your child, the human population will
die out leaving the earth to be overrun by cockroaches who will create a
peaceful, democratic, self-sustaining civilization.
See how there's not a line? It's because their civilization is perfect
And all of this happened because you gave your kid a
vaccination.
The End
PS, don’t be a dummy, vaccinate what was in your tummy!
PPS, there is no statistical link between vaccines and
autism. The one study that first connected the dots has now been discounted and
the “doctor” who wrote it has had his license taken away. Don’t believe me?
Read this, this, this, and/or any other article that can be found with the
simplest and most cursory Google search
PPPS, there may be no link between autism and vaccines but
there is a definite link between no vaccines and diseases that are 100% F-ING
PREVENTABLE. So don’t be an idiot: GET YOUR MOTHER F@CKING KIDS VACCINATED.
April Fool’s Day, surprisingly enough, isn’t really my
thing.
I mean, don’t get me wrong—I love screwing with people’s
psyches as much as the next sociopath—I just don’t like having a designated day
to do it.
It’s just like Valentine’s Day. Why do we pick one day of
the year to focus on the one’s we love? We should be showing those people our
love every day.
Or in my case, using crosses, wooden stakes, holy water, and
garlic to keep intimacy/human emotions as far away as possible.
Me, yesterday
Just like that, I feel like cruel jokes and pranks should be
celebrated year round.
Also, April Fool’s Day pranks are too predictable. I, for
one, never allow my back to be turned on anyone the whole day on the chance
that they are going to try to get me. That’s just common sense 101.
If, however, you insist on being #basic, here are a few
ideas to make your April 1st memorable. And remember, the best
defense is a good offense. Get them before they get you.
Technology is your best friend
This is KB
tested and approved. Download a creepy sound onto your phone as a ringtone. I
recommend a child singing. Nothing is creepier than child singing. I recommend
this although you can do what you want (I guess, I mean, this is called KB Thinks for You, not YOU Think For You but whatever.) Hide
your phone somewhere in the person you are pranking’s room and wait for them to
be in there alone. Then have an accomplice call your phone and wait for your
friend to panic assuming they are being haunted by creepy kid ghosts (aka the
creepiest kind of ghost)
Would you like me to sing you a song?
Pro-tip: Set your phone on “Do Not Disturb” except for calls
from your accomplice so “Baby Got Back” (your default ringtone, obvi) does go
off unexpectedly ruining everything
Earn your Oscar
Sometimes the
best pranks are simply well executed lies. This is a great prank because of its
versatility. Pick a friend, any friend. Pick a lie, any lie. Then go to town.
Divorce, pregnancy, marriage, jail, or whatever else your diabolical little
mind can come up with is fair game. (If your mind isn’t diabolical enough, you
can either ask me for help or, better yet, let the adults play. It’s April
Fool’s Day; not April Fool’s Amateur
Hour). Let your imagination run wild. If you are going with a pregnancy prank,
try something about not knowing who the father is or having twins. For divorce,
I recommend an “I’ve been cheating on him/her” to hit maximum discomfort levels
for the listener. For marriage, try elopement or a really intense family feud.
Jail can potentially be the best option just because you have so many options.
Try something that would be ridiculous to get arrested for like downloading music illegally or embezzling money
from your grandmother’s nursing home.
First of all, I'd like to thank God...
Pro-tip: as long as you can keep a straight face while
lying, the world is your oyster.
Mix, match and make them crazy
Science
break: your brain and taste buds are trippy as hell. If you think you are going
to be getting one thing and instead get something else, you’re going to freak.
For instance, I once thought I was going to take a nice, refreshing sip of
Mountain Dew. Instead, it was Lemonade. After I finished washing my tongue off
with rubbing alcohol, I cried for 20 minutes in the fetal position. Learn from
my mistakes and use it to make your coworkers pay. I say coworkers because this
is a great way to get multiple people with one simple prank. The quickest,
easiest, and cheapest is to buy a bag of M&M’s and a bag of Skittles. Mix
them up, put them in a bowl, and wait for people to lose their minds. This also
works with sweetened/unsweetened pickles, sweetened/unsweetened tea, water and
vodka, and (if you’re into the long con) decaf and caffeinated coffee.
*insert maniacal laughter here
Pro-tip: doing this is kind of an asshole move. I highly
recommend it
If all else fails, scare the sh!t out of them
Never discount the old but good
sneak up. There’s nothing better then quietly coming up behind someone,
especially when they think they are alone, and then making a loud noise. Some
people might not like being snuck up on but if you think about it, most people
have, at one point or another, paid to see a scary movie. Here you are, willing
to give them a 3D experience of a lifetime—for FREE. Really, you’re being a
good Samaritan. You’re welcome.
Ellen gets it
Pro-tip: try to stay at least two feet away from the person
you’ve chosen to prank just in case they fall in the “fight” category of “fight
or flight”
