I’m going to be honest, I’m really worried for you guys out
there.
And I don’t mean the general “guys” meaning “everyone.”
I mean “guys” as in penis possessing members of society
#doubleentendre
I’m worried because I don’t feel like you guys don’t know
how to be guys anymore.
Us ladies, well, thankfully, we have tons of helpful
articles and how-to lists to make us feel more feminine (ie how woman are
supposed to feel) but you guys have nothing. See?
And, of course
You are left to blindly wander the earth never knowing if
you are doing the whole guy thing right.
Luckily, I’m here to help. So sit back, grab some lotion and
tissues… whoa whoa whoa. That was a joke.
That’s actually a good place to start though so let’s jump
right in to:
KB Thinks for You and Tyler Perry present Tyler Perry’s How
to Make a Guy in 10 Days:
1.
Sex
Let’s talk about sex baby / let’s
talk about you and me / let’s talk about sex. That’s right guys. In order to be
a man, you need to become an animal to your sex drive. They say that men think
about sex every seven seconds so just give in now. As a man, you are barely
above the state of dogs in heat. It is required that you frequent x-rated
websites, check out and rate all women that you see (preferably cat-calling
them), and talk to your “bros” frequently about how many “thots” you “banged”
last weekend when the club was “going up on a Thursday.”* Also, while reading
this single paragraph, you have either thought about sex about 8 times or else
you are probably a defective male.
*youth slang be confusing, yo
2. Sportsball
Guys like sports. It’s a simple
fact. Baseball. Football. Basketball. Hockey. Soccer*. If there are sweaty men
doing stuff involving muscles, grunting, slapping each other’s butts and
staring intimidatingly at other men, all guys are into it. But not in a gay way
(don’t worry, we’ll get to “gay” stuff later). Men need to me able to
intelligently** converse with other guys so their manhood won’t be questioned.
Make sure to know the names of a couple guys from each sport and have something
to say about it like “oh man, Kevin Love really hasn’t lived up to his price
tag in Cleveland” or something about a team as a whole like “the Marlins were
so overrated going into this season it’s great to see them struggling.” See,
did you feel your manliness grow? (not that
manliness. Pervert. But good for you for already incorporating tip #1 into your
life) Basically, ball is life.
JUST THE TIP of my foot was out of bounds, I swear
*and all other “European” sports
that true Americans don’t like
**“intelligently”
3. Guns
We’ve already established how
important sex is, as such, it’s not surprisingly that so much of a man’s self
worth comes from their schlong*. It’s a superbia
cum phallus, if you will #doubleentendre. So, as a guy, if you’re asking
yourself how you can prove your manliness while clothed, I have the answer for
you! Guns! What could possibly be manlier than a giant phallic object that
literally shoots out stuff that can kill your enemies? Guys need guns so that they can protect their
little ladies if anyone should threaten them. Guns are the only way to protect a
woman’s virtue** All manly men need guns (yes, guns plural. Just because you
can’t exchange your penis for a large caliber repeating rifle doesn’t mean you
can’t exchange your guns). To quote the late, great Governor Ratcliffe; “Man’s
not a man unless he knows how to shoot.”***
This is a man to trust
*sorry, I’ve never had occasion to
type that word before. Couldn’t pass up the opportunity
** a woman is worthless without
her virtue, much like an action figure is worthless once taken out of it’s
package (#nomorewomeninbinders #morewomeninplasticwrap #mintcondition)
***incidentally, Pocahontas is what happens when you let
your woman control you: you become a p@ssy, let someone shoot you, and go back
to England. Pocahontas 2 (although a
terrible movie that is a disgrace to Disney and America as a whole) shows what
happens when white men have power and use it to bend minorities to their will.
4. LBGTQIA
Manly man have to be opposed to
the gay community. Mainly because there are so many letters and reading is hard
#doubleentendre. But also if you aren’t strongly opposed to people off the same
gender (and all shades of sexuality that LBGTQIA encompasses) people will
probably think you’re gay! Can you
imagine anything worse than someone thinking you are attracted to another
person even though they don’t have a
vagina?!?! Bitch, please! It’s really important, as a manly man, that you
voice this opinion and refuse to be swayed by logical arguments or personal
testimonies (or simple Jesus-like “loving thy neighbor”) because once men make
up their mind, it’s made up. Not like women who are wishy-washy and slaves to
their emotion.
Guys, I know this is a short list and you probably still
have so many questions but this will at least put you on the right path. I’m
really, truly sorry that you guys don’t have all those guiding forces out there
like women do to help you live up to expectations. Just don’t give up. Keep
your chin up and let your schlong* flap proudly in the breeze.
*twice in one day!
I’ll leave you wit some hope though. Watch these commercials.
See, you have not been forsaken, men!
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