April Fool's Day

April Fool’s Day, surprisingly enough, isn’t really my thing.

I mean, don’t get me wrong—I love screwing with people’s psyches as much as the next sociopath—I just don’t like having a designated day to do it.

It’s just like Valentine’s Day. Why do we pick one day of the year to focus on the one’s we love? We should be showing those people our love every day.

Or in my case, using crosses, wooden stakes, holy water, and garlic to keep intimacy/human emotions as far away as possible.

Me, yesterday 

Just like that, I feel like cruel jokes and pranks should be celebrated year round.

Also, April Fool’s Day pranks are too predictable. I, for one, never allow my back to be turned on anyone the whole day on the chance that they are going to try to get me. That’s just common sense 101.

If, however, you insist on being #basic, here are a few ideas to make your April 1^st memorable. And remember, the best defense is a good offense. Get them before they get you.

Technology is your best friend

            This is KB tested and approved. Download a creepy sound onto your phone as a ringtone. I recommend a child singing. Nothing is creepier than child singing. I recommend this although you can do what you want (I guess, I mean, this is called KB Thinks for You, not YOU Think For You but whatever.) Hide your phone somewhere in the person you are pranking’s room and wait for them to be in there alone. Then have an accomplice call your phone and wait for your friend to panic assuming they are being haunted by creepy kid ghosts (aka the creepiest kind of ghost)

Would you like me to sing you a song?

Pro-tip: Set your phone on “Do Not Disturb” except for calls from your accomplice so “Baby Got Back” (your default ringtone, obvi) does go off unexpectedly ruining everything

Earn your Oscar

            Sometimes the best pranks are simply well executed lies. This is a great prank because of its versatility. Pick a friend, any friend. Pick a lie, any lie. Then go to town. Divorce, pregnancy, marriage, jail, or whatever else your diabolical little mind can come up with is fair game. (If your mind isn’t diabolical enough, you can either ask me for help or, better yet, let the adults play. It’s April Fool’s Day; not April Fool’s Amateur Hour). Let your imagination run wild. If you are going with a pregnancy prank, try something about not knowing who the father is or having twins. For divorce, I recommend an “I’ve been cheating on him/her” to hit maximum discomfort levels for the listener. For marriage, try elopement or a really intense family feud. Jail can potentially be the best option just because you have so many options. Try something that would be ridiculous to get arrested for like downloading music illegally or embezzling money from your grandmother’s nursing home.

First of all, I'd like to thank God...

Pro-tip: as long as you can keep a straight face while lying, the world is your oyster.

Mix, match and make them crazy

            Science break: your brain and taste buds are trippy as hell. If you think you are going to be getting one thing and instead get something else, you’re going to freak. For instance, I once thought I was going to take a nice, refreshing sip of Mountain Dew. Instead, it was Lemonade. After I finished washing my tongue off with rubbing alcohol, I cried for 20 minutes in the fetal position. Learn from my mistakes and use it to make your coworkers pay. I say coworkers because this is a great way to get multiple people with one simple prank. The quickest, easiest, and cheapest is to buy a bag of M&M’s and a bag of Skittles. Mix them up, put them in a bowl, and wait for people to lose their minds. This also works with sweetened/unsweetened pickles, sweetened/unsweetened tea, water and vodka, and (if you’re into the long con) decaf and caffeinated coffee.

*insert maniacal laughter here

Pro-tip: doing this is kind of an asshole move. I highly recommend it

If all else fails, scare the sh!t out of them

Never discount the old but good sneak up. There’s nothing better then quietly coming up behind someone, especially when they think they are alone, and then making a loud noise. Some people might not like being snuck up on but if you think about it, most people have, at one point or another, paid to see a scary movie. Here you are, willing to give them a 3D experience of a lifetime—for FREE. Really, you’re being a good Samaritan. You’re welcome.

Ellen gets it

Pro-tip: try to stay at least two feet away from the person you’ve chosen to prank just in case they fall in the “fight” category of “fight or flight”

Now, go have some fun