She Puts the "B" in B!tch

Friends! It’s been quite some time since I last spoke to you but I just need a little break from the responsibility of taking care of you. Seriously. Most of you are 20 plus years old; you should be able to navigate your life without the help of me.

I don’t want to name names but I vaguely remember a story from my childhood of a bearded man with followers who needed a break and took some of his friends out on a boat where some walking on water may or may not have occurred. Like I said, though, I don’t want to name any names or compare myself to any “savior” or ask anyone to call me “Messiah” (although that does have a nice ring to it) but I definitely get his need for space.

Ok, I think that’s enough blasphemy for the day.

When I decided to write another blog I was originally going to just give you an update on my life since the last time we talked (before you ask, yes, I am still addicted to Mountain Dew) but I realized that there was a much more pressing issue.

I have a coworker that I. Cannot. Stand.

In general, I’m fairly tolerant of other people’s stupidity. For instance, I’ve probably had multiple conversations with you.

But this lady—who we’ll call “B” for the purposes of anonymity—is potentially the most aggravating person I’ve ever had the displeasure of knowing.

She’s what I imagine would be the result if Anne Hathaway and Satan had a baby.

The first day that I met this lady, she had already informed me that she homeschooled all of her kids, gave me details about her divorce, and told me about her fiancé.

In the past few weeks she has expanded on that by talking about:

1.     Her and her new fiance’s sex life

a.     You’re 50+. No one wants to hear that

b.     We are nowhere near close enough for you to tell me this

c.      (and I cannot stress this one enough) I DON’T CARE

2.     Her trip up to the Boundary Waters to bail her son out of jail

3.     Her daughter’s mental instability as well as her pregnancy

4.     Her other daughter’s past drug use

5.     Her fiance’s daughter who is working in the oil fields and may or may not be a prostitute

6.     Her free range chickens which apparently roam all over the place (btw that’s filthy and you should be ashamed)

Every day she comes to share more and more and fails to notice that I don’t even pretend to care anymore. To be completely frank, I don’t even care that much about my friends’ lives, let alone B’s.

You see, B has made a common mistake.

She looks at my kind face and my gentle eyes and assumes that I give a shit about her life. She mistakes my ability to listen and politely respond as interest. She assumes that because I haven’t politely told her to shut her f@#$^%& mouth that I want her to talk.

WHY AM I CURSED WITH SUCH AN OPEN AND WELCOMING PERSONALITY!?

I guess the only way I can get her to stop with these shenanigans is to become a mean, sarcastic, unwelcoming person. It will be such a departure from my regular personality thought!

Let’s hope I’m a good enough actress to pull it off!

XOXO- Gossip Girl