KB Thinks For You: A Beginner’s Guide to Hating Guy Fieri

Every once in a while I make it my personal mission to post a blog about a real world issue. Even though it’s a departure from the typical sarcastic fare of KB Thinks For You, I think it’s my duty to be the change I want to see in the world.

That’s why I’d like to talk to you guys about a very serious infestation that has been sweeping the country: Guy Fieri.

If you’re scratching your bleached blonde goatee in confusion while your numerous rings clang against each other, it’s too late for you and you might as well take up permanent residence in Flavortown, USA.

For those of you innocent souls who have no idea who I’m talking about, count your lucky stars because he is quite possibly the worst person in the world.

I also realize that I said last week that “B” was the worst person in the world but I think her and Guy can be co-holders of that title.

Guy is a “TV personality” who mainly works for the Food Network (on about 3,000 different shows—each of which would be better with someone other than him). He has also reared his overly gelled head on terrible game shows that were almost immediately canceled. I felt so bad for him when that ended*

*I did not feel bad at all.

Here is a list of the many, MANY reasons he sucks. Feel free to add your own in the comment section below (note: any positive comments about Fieri will be marked as spam)

1. His last name is spelled “Fieri” but is pronounced “Fieti.” What kind of crap is that? Is this how it’s supposed to be? Is it typical for Italians to write one letter and then decide nah, let’s say a different letter here? It’s just stupid.

2. His wardrobe. You are a 45-year-old male. Why are you dressed like an extra from an Avril Lavigne music video?

3. His hair. Again, you are a 45-year-old male. There is no reason for you to have hair that spikey and that bleached. I’m pretty sure that his hair is based off of Proto Zoa’s in Zenon: Girl of the 21^st Century. Zetus lupetus! Time for a new hairstyle! Also, the outer part of his goatee is brown while the little soul-patch part of it is blonde… but a different color blonde than his hair. Why does one man need three different shades… none of which look that great on him.

4. His “bling.” Before we even get into what’s wrong with his “bling,” I would like to note that, yes, he actually calls it “bling.” In the episode of Guy’s Big Bite that I’m watching, he’s wearing 3 large rings (including a thumb ring), hoop earrings in each ear, a large silver watch ON EACH WRIST, and a necklace that must weigh at least 2 pounds. I wish I was joking but I’m not.

5. His catchphrases. On his show Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives, he gets to eat at some of the most awesome restaurants in the country. He samples all kinds of amazing food everyday and his job is to tell us, the audience, how delicious it is and describe it to us. Instead of saying anything helpful—or even coherent—he spits out phrases like “winner, winner, chicken dinner” or “dynamite” or “that’s off the hook” or “that’s flavortown!” In what world are any of these helpful descriptions?

6. His skillset. I am just so confused by his whole spiel. Because of Triple-D, I thought we has in to burgers, sandwiches, and deep-fried things. Then I hear him talking about Mexican/Tex-Mex food as though that’s what he cooks. I later see an episode of Guy’s Big Bite which seems to confirm this assumption. Later, I find out that he owns a restaurant called Johnny Garlic’s which is an Italian restaurant and on this current episode of GBB he is talking about how pasta is a staple in his house. I AM SO CONFUSED.

7. His fridge. I don’t even have words. Is this a 45-year-old’s refrigerator or an 8-year-old’s car bed?

8. His inability to talk in a normal voice. I think someone needs to explain to Guy how a microphone works. There is no reason for him to talk in a perpetual shout.

9. His abbreviations. Guy is the master of unnecessary abbreviations. In the last 10 minutes I’ve heard him shorten up “vegetable oil” into “veg oil” and “ravioli” into “rav.” Why? Why would you do that? Just stop being you, Guy.

10. The fact that he has the best job in the world. That man gets to travel all over the place eating the best food in the world. If anyone deserves that amazing job, that person is me.