Every once in a while I make it my personal mission to post
a blog about a real world issue. Even though it’s a departure from the typical
sarcastic fare of KB Thinks For You, I think it’s my duty to be the change I want
to see in the world.
That’s why I’d like to talk to you guys about a very serious
infestation that has been sweeping the country: Guy Fieri.
If you’re scratching your bleached blonde goatee in
confusion while your numerous rings clang against each other, it’s too late for
you and you might as well take up permanent residence in Flavortown, USA.
For those of you innocent souls who have no idea who I’m
talking about, count your lucky stars because he is quite possibly the worst
person in the world.
I also realize that I said last week that “B” was the worst
person in the world but I think her and Guy can be co-holders of that title.
Guy is a “TV personality” who mainly works for the Food
Network (on about 3,000 different shows—each of which would be better with
someone other than him). He has also reared his overly gelled head on terrible
game shows that were almost immediately canceled. I felt so bad for him when
that ended*
*I did not feel bad at all.
Here is a list of the many, MANY reasons he sucks. Feel free
to add your own in the comment section below (note: any positive comments about
Fieri will be marked as spam)
1.
His last name is spelled “Fieri” but is
pronounced “Fieti.” What kind of crap is that? Is this how it’s supposed to be?
Is it typical for Italians to write one letter and then decide nah, let’s say a different letter here?
It’s just stupid.
2.
His wardrobe. You are a 45-year-old male. Why
are you dressed like an extra from an Avril Lavigne music video?
3. His hair. Again, you are a 45-year-old male.
There is no reason for you to have hair that spikey and that bleached. I’m
pretty sure that his hair is based off of Proto Zoa’s in Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century. Zetus lupetus! Time for
a new hairstyle! Also, the outer part of his goatee is brown while the little
soul-patch part of it is blonde… but a different color blonde than his hair.
Why does one man need three different shades… none of which look that great on
him.
4.
His “bling.” Before we even get into what’s
wrong with his “bling,” I would like to note that, yes, he actually calls it
“bling.” In the episode of Guy’s Big Bite
that I’m watching, he’s wearing 3 large rings (including a thumb ring), hoop
earrings in each ear, a large silver watch ON EACH WRIST, and a necklace that
must weigh at least 2 pounds. I wish I was joking but I’m not.
5.
His catchphrases. On his show Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives, he gets to
eat at some of the most awesome restaurants in the country. He samples all
kinds of amazing food everyday and his job is to tell us, the audience, how
delicious it is and describe it to us. Instead of saying anything helpful—or
even coherent—he spits out phrases like “winner, winner, chicken dinner” or
“dynamite” or “that’s off the hook” or “that’s flavortown!” In what world are
any of these helpful descriptions?
6.
His skillset. I am just so confused by his whole
spiel. Because of Triple-D, I thought we has in to burgers, sandwiches, and
deep-fried things. Then I hear him talking about Mexican/Tex-Mex food as though
that’s what he cooks. I later see an episode of Guy’s Big Bite which seems to confirm this assumption. Later, I
find out that he owns a restaurant called Johnny Garlic’s which is an Italian
restaurant and on this current episode of GBB
he is talking about how pasta is a staple in his house. I AM SO CONFUSED.
7.
His fridge. I don’t even have words. Is this a
45-year-old’s refrigerator or an 8-year-old’s car bed?
8.
His inability to talk in a normal voice. I think
someone needs to explain to Guy how a microphone works. There is no reason for
him to talk in a perpetual shout.
9.
His abbreviations. Guy is the master of
unnecessary abbreviations. In the last 10 minutes I’ve heard him shorten up
“vegetable oil” into “veg oil” and “ravioli” into “rav.” Why? Why would you do
that? Just stop being you, Guy.
10. The
fact that he has the best job in the world. That man gets to travel all over
the place eating the best food in the world. If anyone deserves that amazing
job, that person is me.
If you can still like Guy Fieri, may God have mercy on your
soul because you are a lost cause.
Also, quit reading this blog because that is unforgivable.
