Halloween Again

It's Halloween today! Heed my warning from last year to make sure you have a fun and safe time: aka not being sacrificed on an altar.

I personally don’t celebrate Halloween (because it is a Satanic holiday that encourages people to go around in disguises wreaking havoc, sacrificing animals, and having orgies) but hey, I’m not here to judge you if that’s how you like to spend your day.

Not my style 

I’d also like to take this moment to point out that 364 days of the year we encourage children to stay away strangers and never ever ever accept treats from them but on Halloween we send them off to go from stranger’s door to stranger’s door literally begging for candy. Also, can I point out that our children say “trick or treat?” What does that mean? Are they offering to perform “tricks” for candy? Remember the “tricks” Julia Roberts did in Pretty Woman? Is that really what we want our kids doing for candy (candy which will lead them to a life of obesity and/or diabetes)?

 The future of America

However, if you still want to celebrate this demonic holiday, I’ve got some tips for you to make it the best holiday-that-will-potentially-(probably)-send-you-to-hell.

1.     Dress to impress

I know that Halloween is October 31 meaning almost November. There is a good chance that it’s going to be pretty f-ing cold. However, if you are a girl, that can’t matter. Everyone knows that Halloween means SLUT.IT.UP. If you are wearing more clothing than the average male swimmer, you’re doing it wrong.

 Girls: think something like this... but more revealing

2.     Get Candy

So, I know our nation is currently being smothered by the weighty pressure of the obesity epidemic and I’ll be the first person to tell you to eat healthy and exercise (even if I wont) but… It’s Halloween. Let’s not kid ourselves into thinking that carrots or pretzels or any other kind of health food will be eaten by these little fat asses waddling or rolling their way from house to house. They are getting Twix at the house before yours and Snickers at the one after, throwing your health food into the bushes in the meantime.

 Give him what he wants

3.     Go big or go home

You need to decide right now what kind of a person you want to be. You can either decorate your house to high heaven (or hell, since that’s where you will be going) or don’t decorate your house at all. Don’t half ass it. I expect your house to look like that creepy house from every horror movie ever made—you know the house that the people go in even though we all know that the crazy serial killer lives there? Or else don’t decorate it at all. Just don’t do that crap where you put one cobweb by your door and a half-ass jack-o-lantern on your steps.

 Pathetic

4.     Be safe

Fact: More children are abducted on Halloween than any other day of the year… combined (please note, this is not a real fact. I clearly don’t care enough about this blog to proof read it, let alone look up real statistics) Also, more STDs are spread on Halloween than any other holiday (see previous note). Let’s all be safe.

Parents: check your children’s candy for razor blades and roofies and anything else that doesn’t belong in your child’s mouth.

Children: don’t go into sketchy people’s houses/vans/etc.

Sexually active ladies/gentlemen: just because someone is dressed up as someone other than themselves doesn’t mean they don’t have all the diseases they have in their everyday life. The sexy nurse still has herpes and Captain America is dealing with a nasty case of the clap. Use protection. Or better yet, use good judgment and don’t hook up with some random person after knowing them for less than an hour.

This wont end poorly...

Coffee: TV's Largest Conspiracy

I know I’ve gone on some fairly ridiculous rants here on KB Thinks for You but this might be the most ridiculous one ever.

I’ve been watching a fair amount of television lately including two shows that I’ve never really watched before, NCIS and Castle. These two shows have a lot in common; they both solve murders, they both have a smart-ass (Castle, Dinozzo), and they both consume a lot of coffee.

And it’s the coffee thing that drives me nuts and has ever since I watched Lorelai and Rory down cup after cup on Gilmore Girls.

I KNOW THERE ISN’T ANY LIQUID IN THAT CUP! DON’T TRY TO FOOL ME!!! 

Take Luke pouring coffee into Lorelai’s cup. He pours for about 2 seconds which is nowhere near enough to fill up the whole cup and the Lorelai takes a tiny sip of… NOTHING. Because the cup was basically empty. I mean, look at how blatantly empty that cup is! It makes me question everything else that happens on this show

Styrofoam coffee containers are a whole different brand of hell for me. Yes, I can’t see how empty the cup is BUT… every time someone sets their cup down, I can hear that it’s empty. Every time that someone waves their coffee around and uses it to gesture, I can TELL that it’s empty. I mean, who waves a full cup off coffee around like that?

No one! because it would spill! And as much money as people put into making these television shows look real, you think they could put in 5 seconds or so to make sure that the coffee isn’t just a blatant prop.

Look at show like NCIS. They go to all the work of having horribly realistic murder scenes and explosions but can’t splurge to put some actual liquid in the cup? Helpful hint: turn the music way down or off on this clip. The music sucks and is way too loud. But don't let that distract you from the fact that the cup he is waving around over and over is as light as a feather.

Same with Castle. He brings Beckett coffee every day but everyday I notice how he walks way too quickly to be holding a full cup of coffee. Also, for the most blatant example of empty-cup syndrome, look at the scene at 1:02. As much as I love this show, that moment right there almost makes me want to take a coffee grinder to my brain. I also recommend you don't listen to this song either. It is flat out terrible.

And yes, I am aware how absolutely crazy this rant is but I can’t explain how much it drives me nuts when I see this in episode after episode of television. Seriously, next time you watch TV, look out for the coffee. I’m convinced it’s part of a massive conspiracy to make Americans insane. 

Side Effects Include...

I will be the first to admit, I am extremely susceptible to television advertisements. I normally don’t watch commercials (I flip through other channels until the break is over) but when I do watch them, I immediately want whatever they are selling. I am a proud owner of the SHAM-WOW (btw it is pretty f-ing awesome), I really want to buy one of those slap chops, and I have honestly even considered ordering some of those music compilations (they make them seem so AWESOME).

Being the hypochondriac that I am, of course, the ones that convince me the most are all those prescription drug ads.

Anytime they ask “Do you suffer from..?” “Do you ever feel like..?” “Unsatisfied with..?” I always, always answer, “YES”! I don’t know how they know me so well but at the end of every single one of these commercials, not only am I convinced I have whatever disease they’re talking about, but also think I need to talk to my doctor immediately to see if drug so-and-so is right for me.

And yes, for those of you who know me well, this really isn’t that big of a surprise. I am the kid who used to fake sick to get to drink cough syrup. If I sneeze more than once a day, I pop an allergy pill. At the slightest upset stomach I will guzzle Pepto-Bismol. If I have the slightest tickle in my throat I will load up on Nyquil “just to be sure”. And—full disclosure—I eat cough drops in the place of candy.

Talk about a night cap

Before you start planning an intervention for me, let’s get back to my original point—TV drug commericals.

I always want to buy them up until the minute they start listing side effects. If I am watching a 60 second commercial and at least 30 seconds of it consists of listing side effects, I’m going to go ahead and call for a time-out.

I’m watching a commercial about a drug that helps grow out eyelashes and you are listing side effects that sound like the biblical plagues. I’m not comfortable with the fact that you read these side effects either in a voice that’s going so fast I can’t understand what you’re saying (wait… did you just say “anal leakage?”), or in the same calming, happy voice you told me about all the good stuff (most people don’t sound happy when talking about kidney failure). It also concerns me that you start by listing pretty minor side effects like headaches or nausea then try to subtly transition into major ones like heart attacks, strokes, or death (you’re not fooling anyone).

I’m actually really glad they list these side effects though, because otherwise I would be in and out of my doctor’s office every week asking if Celebrex and Boniva are right for me and wondering if Adovart will help with my enlarged prostrate.

As it is, until they come out with a drug that has zero side effects, I guess I will just have to be happy cleaning up messes with my SHAM-WOW while rocking out to “Monster Ballads” (no lie, I actually own this 2-disc set of AWESOMENESS).

Put this on my Christmas wish list