My New Year's Resolution

Had I not been deathly ill last week (I’m still going through a box of Kleenex every 2 days, thanks for asking) I would have written about New Year’s resolutions and why I think they’re bull.

First, of course, I had to think about you, my pathetic precious little readers who hang on to every word I say. Everyday you strive to be like me, knowing it can never happen. Can you imagine the blow to your already fragile psyche if I made a change to myself putting myself even further out of your sites? I might as well just lead you to a ledge and push you off.

Then there is the necessary will power it takes to follow through on a New Year’s resolution. Let’s face it, if you’d talked to me on New Year’s Eve, I could have told you a bunch of things I was planning to do in the New Year but if I haven’t gotten around to it in the previous 365 days, what makes you think anything is going to change this time around? Simply put, I’m far too lazy to follow through on anything (other than blog writing and drinking copious amounts of Mountain Dew). And, simply put, most of you are too.

I’m not trying to discourage you from your lofty goals but… wait… nevermind. That’s exactly what I’m trying to do. The best example I have of this is when I used to wake up every morning at 6 to go to morning swim practice (I know! I’m shocked that I wasn’t always a lazy piece of crap too!). I always hated going to practice right after the New Year because the parking lot was always packed with the cars of people who had resolved to work out. This meant that I had to park like, twenty feet further than I would have had to normally. Understandably, this made me fly into fits of rage, which resulted in a few totaled vehicles, a stint in juvie, and a simple assault charge.

 My roommate in juvie. Trust me. You don't want to get on her bad side.

But that’s neither here nor there.

To make a long story short, by March, the number of cars in the parking lot thinned back to their usual number showing that the one thing Americans are better at than anything (besides eating) is giving up and settling for mediocrity. If that’s the eventual result, why don’t we all just quit pretending and go straight to the finish line.

 This is the finish line.

That’s what I call being proactive.

The most important reason I don’t do New Year’s resolutions, though, is that I’m pretty f-ing awesome anyway. This goes beyond the old “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” It’s more like, “how do you do better than perfect?”

Well, as always, I hope you found this blog helpful.

Wait, just kidding. I really don’t care whether you did or not but I’m glad you wasted five minutes reading it.

Oh yeah, and Happy New Year. Best Wishes. Good Luck. Go get ‘em champ.

Or whatever crap you’re supposed to say.