Listen, I’m all about helping people in third world
countries. Look—I even wrote a blog about it (see Bill and Melinda? THIS is how
you affect REAL change). But before we can fix problems across the world, we
need to fix problems here at home.
Yes, you guessed it. I’m talking about putting an end to FIRST
WORLD PROBLEMS.
(Note, this next section is ideally read while listening to
Sarah McLachlan’s “Angel” but that’s your choice)
At this very moment, someone, somewhere in America is having
to wait ten—maybe even twenty—seconds while their video buffers.
At this very moment, someone, somewhere in America is having
to listen to a commercial on Pandora. Or worse, ran out of song skips.
At this very moment, someone, somewhere in America forgot to
DVR that show they really wanted to see and it’s not playing again until next
week. Sure, they could download it on iTunes but then they’d have pay $3.99
and, quite frankly, that price is ridiculous.
At this very moment, someone, somewhere in America is
stopped at red light even though they have somewhere they really need to be. Or
maybe they just want to get home after a long day of work. It’s not really our
place to judge them.
At this very moment, someone, somewhere in America is
standing in a clothing store trying to hold in the tears after finding the
perfect outfit but discovering the store is out of their size. PS: seriously,
stores? You can order 3,000 larges and up but you have a limit of 2 size
smalls?
At this very moment, someone, somewhere in America is waiting
in a “Ten Items or Less” check out line as the person puts not 10, not 11, not
even 12 but 13—THIRTEEN—items on the counter.
At this very moment, someone, somewhere in America is having
to decide whether they want soup OR salad with their meal. How is that fair?
HOW IS THAT FAIR?
At this very moment, someone, somewhere in America is
parking their car MORE THAN 20 FT from their destination. And then… they are
having to WALK.
Really, America. How much longer can we stand for this? Or
sit. Actually, yeah. We should all probably sit down. None of us are in the
kind of shape that allows us to stand for long periods of time.
But trust me, our voices will be heard from our armchairs,
beds, couches, and any other object that can support our weight. We will not
take this sitting down!
Well, metaphorically speaking at least.
So how can you make a difference?
Complain!
Take to the media and let your voices be heard.
Call customer service representatives at Pottery Barn and
let them know that the ottoman you ordered is more brown than cognac!
Leave a strongly worded comment on Amazon that your Twilight book set, DVD set, and Robert
Pattinson cutout arrive TWO WHOLE DAYS after it was supposed to!
Make your facebook status about the unfair return policies of
Forever 21 who fail to realize that you no longer want the top you bought 20
minutes ago!
Take to twitter to get #walmartoutofflaminhotcheetos
trending worldwide to let everyone know the pain and suffering you went to when
you had to get regular Cheetos instead!
Frankly, we First World-er’s have lived too long in the
shadows.
Too long have we put the inability of third world nations to
adequately feed their people over our inability to watch both Grey’s Anatomy AND Parks and Recreation live because they play at the same time.
Too long has the media been covering the uprisings in Egypt,
Syria, and Turkey when they SHOULD be covering McDonald’s discontinuation of
the McRib.
Too long have we heard about devastating natural disasters
when we should be hearing about the fact we’ve only had a few days of bikini
weather so far this year.
It’s time for us to let the world know that we want the
attention we deserve!
Viva la Revolucion!
