I'd Rather Die Than Do That

My parents have recently been harping on me about the importance of finding a job. Apparently “waiting for you to die so I can collect inheritance” doesn’t cut it for them. Psht. Whatever.

So, as much as it pains me, I have been thinking about some things that I could maybe possibly do for gainful employment. So far, my search has been fruitless. All I have discovered are certain jobs that I know without a doubt would be the worst things ever.

With no further ado, I present KB’s definitive list of Worst Jobs Ever aka I’d Rather Die Than Do That.

Disney Princess at a Theme Park

            This might not be the most obvious one because on face value, I could really get behind the idea of dressing up like Pocahontas and getting paid for it. Don’t let this fool you, however, because being a Disney Princess is a job designed by Satan for naïve girls who never wanted to grow up. Think about it, you have to spend day after day in an itchy costume posing for pictures with snot nosed, bratty, screaming children. Granted I’ve never worked there, but I think it’s fairly safe to assume that swearing at and/or causing a child to cry is frowned upon. Like, way to take away the only perk this job had! At least if you’re Goofy or Mickey or someone like that you get to wear a full body suit. Although wearing that stupid head probably induces heat stroke, at least you don’t have to have a smile plastered to your face the whole time.

Not quite sure why it appears Saddam Hussein is in the back of this photo...

Septic Tank Anything

            I recognize that there are things that need to be done regardless of how disgusting it might be to do them. Take, for instance, septic work. I mean, someone’s gotta do it but that someone sure as hell is not going to be me. How does one get into the septic business? Are you just sitting there thinking “well, I could go to med school… or I could clean shit out of people’s houses… Let’s go with option number 2.” That is a special breed of person. For those of you who are septic workers out there, God bless you.

I can only assume this large "x" means that no one should do this kind of work ever

OB/GYN

            I’m sure being an OB/GYN has some serious perks like getting to deliver a baby (I mean, if you’re into that sort of thing. Personally, pulling a slimy shrieking demon out of a woman’s va-jay-jay is not my cup of tea) but I have to think the drawbacks seriously outweigh the pleasures. As a woman, I cannot think of anything more awkward than spending my day peering into the nooks and crannies of another lady’s parts. For a man, being an OB/GYN seems like a really great way to never have sex again. I mean, who wants to take their work home with them? (insert drum and cymbal joke noise here)

Can you imagine some of the nasty things OB/GYNs have to see every day? Come on, we were all thinking it 

Hooker

            I know this probably seems self-explanatory but my problem with being a hooker might not be what you’d expect. As far as I’m concerned, if you really like having sex with random (STD-ridden) strangers, then you might as well be getting paid for it. More power to you. I would just hate the job because of the other implications. What do you do for taxes? Can you write off condoms and birth control as work place expenses? What do you put on statements asking for your occupation? What about family gatherings? Can you imagine sitting around the dinner table and your sister is talking about her great new job in a big company with a great boss and you’re like “oh yeah, he’s one of my regulars!” Long story short, I don’t think being a prostitute is really the right position for me (see what I did there?)

Remind me again why waiting for my inheritance money isn’t an acceptable “career”?