Things That Make Me Lose My Will To Live

I know I typically call my rants “KB’s Top 5 Ways to Piss Me Off” but I was feeling a little more melodramatic today so today’s installment will be called: “Things That Make Me Lose My Will To Live.”

Every have one of those moments when all you want to do is ram your head repeatedly through a wall? Considering the fact that patience is not one of my many, many virtues and I have an over developed superiority complex, I don’t have the best people skills in the world.

And by that I mean that most things people do make me want to turn in my bleeding-heart liberal badge and stock up on some AKs.

Here’s what’s been driving me nuts lately.

Sportscasters:

            Is there a profession on God’s great earth more stocked full of first class dumbasses? Rhetorical question. No, there is no line of work with a higher IPSF rating (Imbeciles Per Square Foot). If I’m watching a sporting event, it is more than acceptable for you to do a play by play or make occasional comments. However, I DO NOT want a 5 minute long rant about the ridiculous rules of the game (Jeff Van Gundy, I’m looking at you). I also don’t need to hear a touching back story of one of the players that takes up a whole quarter. I probably don’t need to see the same play 15 different times all from slightly different angles as you “break it down” ie say the same thing over and over in slightly different ways. And I DEFINITELY do not want to hear a single mention about your glory days. Seriously. If I had a dollar for every time I was watching a sporting event and heard a commentator talk about when they played against so-and-so or what the rules were like when they played or how their own experience in a big game was, I’d have enough to buy ESPN and fire all the commentators that I wanted. If I wanted to know anything about your former career, I’d tune into ESPN classic or Google it. I’m sure if I searched “don’t give a sh*t” your name would pop up first.

 A picture is worth a thousand words. 500 of which are "shut" and the other 500 are "up" 

Television Commercial Volumes

            Since the first television ad aired in 1951, people have been complaining about the disparity in volumes between regularly scheduled programming and the commercials (Note: I made this up entirely. I have no idea when the first ad aired. If you care, google it). It is a little ridiculous though. Let’s same I’m watching Ghost Adventures and I have the volume perfectly tuned to pick up the slightest sound of footsteps or the whisper of a graining voice caught on an EVP recorder (side note: I have watched GA hundreds of times and I have yet to hear the words they supposedly hear on their recorders…). Suddenly the show cuts to a commercial break where my paranormal aura is jolted by a commercial that has the same decibel level I would assume a jet engine next to a rock concert to have. Maybe it’s too much to ask of ad companies that they could turn down the volume of their ads. However, I don’t think I’m being unreasonable when I say I should not have to cry from pain or suffer permanent hearing loss from watching television.

Me. Every time I watch TV 

Interacting With People

            I know you all are probably shocked to read this considering my bright, shiny, open, welcoming, kind personality, but I really don’t consider myself a people person. I’m not particularly comfortable having conversations with people that I don’t know… mainly because I couldn’t care less about their lives. However, I constantly find myself pushed into situations that require me to smile, nod, act polite and occasionally, God forbid, talk to people. The only thing worse than being forced into having a conversation with someone you don’t know is being forced into having a conversation with someone you know but would sell your kidney to avoid. If it were acceptable for me to have a tattoo that said “F@CK OFF: I do not want to talk to you” on my forehead and still be accepted into society, I would do it in a heartbeat. I just don’t understand what could have happened to these poor people in their childhoods to make them want to interact with other people! Maybe they could form a support group for each other and talk it out amongst themselves and leave the rest of us alone. Or maybe we could all chip in and get them therapy. Or a muzzle. I just want it to stop.

Me. When I'm talking to you.