Ok, I know what I’m about to tell you guys might come as
somewhat of a shock:
I have a low tolerance for stupidity and people piss me off
easily.
I know, I know. You guys probably never saw that coming. I
know the words most commonly used to describe me are things like “kind” and
“patient” and “caring.”
But that’s all just a front. Inside, I am seething. Slowly
being crushed day in and day out by the sheer idiocy of most of the people I
know.
Don’t worry, if you’re reading this, I’m probably not
talking about you. Or maybe I am and if that’s the case, you need to get your
sh!t together.
Long story short, it’s been a long time since I’ve done a
“Top 5 Things That Piss Me Off” list and since lately my tolerance for
stupidity has gone down, I felt the need to do the mother of all “Top 5” lists.
These are my big no-no’s and if you know what’s good for you, you’ll avoid
these acts in the future.
5. Parking
Parking is
one of the easiest things in the entire world. Except parallel parking. That
shit is impossible. Seriously. But every other kind of parking is the simplest
thing. Just pull your car in between two yellow lines, put it in park, and get
out. Yet everywhere I go, I am cursed with people who have an intellectual
deficiency that makes it impossible for them to simply park between the lines.
How many times have you gone to the store and gotten excited when you saw a
spot close to the doors only to drive up and realize you can’t park there
because the dumbass next to you didn't leave you enough room? How many times have
you come out to your car only to realize someone pulled in next to you at an
awkward angle making it almost impossible for you to pull out without scrapping
your car? How many times have you had to crawl in through the passenger side
because the car next to you is literally inches away (this has actually never
happened to me but I did see someone doing this once). In reality, parking your
vehicle should not be that difficult and, frankly, if you are struggling that
much just to park, I’m not sure you should be allowed to actually be
responsible for a vehicle on the open road.
4. Shopping Carts
Before I
get into a rant here, I should admit that I do have a bit of a history with
shopping carts. The only time I’ve ever hit anything with my car was when I
backed into a shopping cart at Walmart so I am slightly biased against them.
However, I think we can all agree that shopping carts make trips to the store unnecessarily difficult. For one, people always seem to have a difficulty in
putting the carts into the conveniently placed cart corrals in the parking lot
and instead leave them all over the fricken place meaning innocent people (like
myself) have a good chance of hitting them with their vehicles causing 500
dollars worth of damage for a mother f-ing tiny little dent! But I digress. My
other problem with shopping carts is the fact that people seem too dumb to use
common sense when driving them. Most people are aware that aisles in stores are
wide enough for two carts to fit. Most people are also aware that if they are
going to stop in an aisle with a cart, they should do it to the side so other
people can still get around. However, there are always those idiotic people who
park their carts in the middle of the aisle as they ponder over exactly which Little
Debbie’s treat will be the one they want to lead them to their inevitable
diabetes. Long story short, you should be required to have a license to use a
shopping cart.
3. Waitresses/Waiters
I think
I’ve already made it abundantly clear that I do not have the people skills
necessary to make it in a service profession so I respect the hell out of
people who can. But unfortunately, most of the places I attempt to get food are
manned only by people that can be most kindly described as brain-dead health
hazards. If you just brought food to my table less than 3 minutes ago, I think
you can bypass asking if I need anything else. Conversely, if you brought my
food 20 minutes ago, it’s gone, and everyone at the table is done eating, it
might be a good idea to check and see if there is anything else I need. And
when it comes to filling beverage glasses, why is it that you seem to come over
every 3 seconds to top off the water glass I sure as hell didn’t take a sip of
yet it is only after I am parched with thirst and vainly trying to eat the ice
cubes out of my glass for some relief that you finally come and ask if I want a
refill? I understand that you’re busy but I am currently suffering through the
early stages of dehydration so any sort of hustle on your part would be greatly
appreciated. Basically, just use your common sense. Don’t disturb my meal every
three seconds but don’t abandon me like I’m at a serve yourself restaurant.
2. Internet Over-sharing
I have been
over this time and time again but some people still do not understand the
concept of keeping some of their life private. I understand the need to share
on facebook. In fact, as recently as Monday I went on a mini-rant about the
dissatisfaction I had with my alphabet Spaghetti-O’s (seriously, how am I supposed
to eat Spaghetti-O’s when it’s really Spaghetti-B’s or Spaghetti-P’s?). However,
that is well within the limits of acceptable internet behavior. What is not
acceptable is the constant over-sharing. Certain people seem to have forgotten
that their facebook status is not their diary. I don’t need/want to know every
single detail about your life. Listen, I’m sorry your boyfriend broke up with
you but I don’t think the proper way to grieve is to issue and open letter to
him for every one to see. Also, congratulations that you were found “not guilty”
of attempted murder but you probably don’t need to make that your status (you
think I’m kidding but I’m not. I actually saw this status once). I’m really
happy for you that you are “so in luv wit my man” but maybe you could text him
that rather than give me a blow-by-blow of your date night (see what I did
there? #doubleentendre). In all seriousness though, maybe you could save your
innermost thoughts for your close friends/journal/pet and keep the internet
light and fun and filled with meaningless drivel. Except for that thing about
Spaghetti-O’s. I’m seriously pissed.
1. Walking
Walking is
something that we all do. I mean, except for those of you who can’t in which
case I’m sorry if you find this offensive. But back to the topic at hand;
walking. It is so simple. You put one foot in front of the other and just go.
For some people, however, walking seems to be something more akin to rocket
science or particle physics. There is nothing—and I mean NOTHING—that upsets me
more than walking behind someone who doesn’t seem to have more than 2 brain
cells to rub together. I literally cannot find the words to describe how irate
it makes me when I find myself walking behind someone that seems to have nowhere to go and all day to get there. I feel my blood pressure rising and have
to physically choke back the stream of profanity that is just waiting to be
unleashed. You might think I’m overreacting. You may thinking I’m letting a
small little detail get blown way out of proportion. But… GOOD GOD. MOVE YOUR
MOTHER F-ING FEET AND GET OUT OF MY WAY BEFORE I SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST!
Phew. It feels good to get that off my chest.
