Letter to Hillary

Dear Hillary,

I thought about addressing this to Secretary Clinton or Senator Clinton but each of those titles only represent a small part of your public service. I thought about addressing this to Former First Lady Clinton but that reduces you to nothing more than the wife of someone and no one could accuse you of only being that. So I settled on the all-encompassing Hillary.

The anger, disappointment, and betrayal that I feel at not being able to address you as President Clinton is something that hasn’t faded since November 9th and I doubt it ever will.

But let the record show I am so incredibly proud of having been able to vote for you. I’m proud of being able to encourage others to vote for you.

And since the election, I’m proud of having not been wrong about you. 

You have handled everything with grace, dignity, and hope that have given all of us who believe in you the same.

While nothing I can say will make up for the disappointment you must feel at being robbed of a presidency due to an outdated voting system that somehow allows the voices of a nearly 3 million strong majority to be invalidated, I hope the voice of one person can provide you the grace, dignity and hope you’ve provided to so many.

For everything you’ve done for me as an American, as a woman, and as a human: thank you.

I was with her. I’m still with her. I’ll always be with her.

Open Letter to Bernie Sanders' Supporters

Dear friends and supporters of Bernie Sanders,

I know this is hard to hear, but it’s over. It is essentially mathematically impossible for him to become the Democratic presidential candidate and even more so to become the President of the United States. I’m sure a lot of you are angry and disillusioned with politics because the person you believed could be the hope and change the country needs was beaten by an “establishment” politician. I understand that but it’s time to think about your next move.

I’ve heard a lot of people talking about voting for a third party candidate like Jill Stein. I’ve heard others say that Bernie needs to enter the race as an independent. I’ve heard others say that they’ll stay home rather than vote for Hillary.

How selfish can you be?

This is one of the most important elections that we will ever see and not for any good reasons. This is the election that could very well send Donald J Trump to the Oval Office. This is the election that could make Trump the face of our nation. The person in charge of our military. The person in charge of our diplomacy. The person with veto power. The person responsible for potentially nominating Supreme Court judges who will hear cases over equality, abortion, immigration, and other groundbreaking cases over the next few years.

So I ask again, how selfish can you be?

The unfortunate truth of the matter is that we live in a two party system and that will not change during this election cycle. Either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton will be the next president of the United States. Voting for a third party candidate is essentially the same as throwing your ballot away. Bernie running as an independent will split the liberal vote essentially ensuring Trump waltzes into the White House. Staying at home rather than voting means you are complicit in the election of Trump.

Please toss aside your naiveté or a sense of moral responsibility and look at the reality which we are facing. You fought for Bernie for months because you believed he could change America. You need to join the fight now to keep America from changing the way Trump wants it to. You may not like Hillary—from what I’ve seen from a lot of you, you actually seem to hate her—but you still need to vote for her. I don’t care what you think about Hillary’s support of the 1994 crime bill (a bill Bernie Sanders voted for). I don’t care that you don’t think Hillary “deserves” the black vote. I don’t care that you think she came to support marriage equality too late in the game. I don’t care that you think the vote in Arizona was tampered with. I don’t even care that you just don’t like her personality. You need to vote for her.

I said it earlier but I will say it again to drive home the point: the reality is that this election will come down to Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. And no matter how disillusioned you are with America right now, I challenge to to tell me in good faith that Donald Trump is a better alternative. The hope that some magical, better option will present itself to you is nothing but a pipe dream. You, as an American, have a duty to ensure that someone who continually spews hate, disrespect, and a supreme misunderstanding of American values like Trump is not in a position to "lead" us.

I could go on at length enumerating how awful Trump is and how disastrous his election would be but if you support Bernie Sanders, I know that you’re smart enough to know those reasons on your own. I’m not asking you to like Hillary. Lord knows most people have their minds made up one way or the other already. I’m asking that you (however begrudgingly) vote for her. Some of us will vote for her because she’s our first choice. Others will vote for her because they believe it’s important to keep a Democrat in the White House. Others will vote for her because she’s “the lesser evil.” Others will throw their vote away or stay home out of misguided moral superiority.

For the last group, I hope you can cling to that moral superiority for the next four years as the madman you were complicit in electing reeks havoc on our nation and our world.

KB Thinks for You and Tyler Perry present Tyler Perry’s How to Make a Guy in 10 Days

I’m going to be honest, I’m really worried for you guys out there.

And I don’t mean the general “guys” meaning “everyone.”

I mean “guys” as in penis possessing members of society #doubleentendre

I’m worried because I don’t feel like you guys don’t know how to be guys anymore.

Us ladies, well, thankfully, we have tons of helpful articles and how-to lists to make us feel more feminine (ie how woman are supposed to feel) but you guys have nothing. See?

How to Dress for Your Body Type Even if You Haven't Lost 20 lbs Yet

How to Contour So You Don't Look Hideous, You Monster!

How to Make Nails Look Good Even if You're Lazy and a Disgrace to Women

How to Have Hair to Help You Woo a Man Even if You're Lazy

And, of course

How to Get a Guy So Your Life Can Finally Begin

You are left to blindly wander the earth never knowing if you are doing the whole guy thing right.

Luckily, I’m here to help. So sit back, grab some lotion and tissues… whoa whoa whoa. That was a joke.

That’s actually a good place to start though so let’s jump right in to:

KB Thinks for You and Tyler Perry present Tyler Perry’s How to Make a Guy in 10 Days:

 Just thought of my next movie idea!

1.     Sex

Let’s talk about sex baby / let’s talk about you and me / let’s talk about sex. That’s right guys. In order to be a man, you need to become an animal to your sex drive. They say that men think about sex every seven seconds so just give in now. As a man, you are barely above the state of dogs in heat. It is required that you frequent x-rated websites, check out and rate all women that you see (preferably cat-calling them), and talk to your “bros” frequently about how many “thots” you “banged” last weekend when the club was “going up on a Thursday.”* Also, while reading this single paragraph, you have either thought about sex about 8 times or else you are probably a defective male.

*youth slang be confusing, yo

2.    Sportsball

Guys like sports. It’s a simple fact. Baseball. Football. Basketball. Hockey. Soccer*. If there are sweaty men doing stuff involving muscles, grunting, slapping each other’s butts and staring intimidatingly at other men, all guys are into it. But not in a gay way (don’t worry, we’ll get to “gay” stuff later). Men need to me able to intelligently** converse with other guys so their manhood won’t be questioned. Make sure to know the names of a couple guys from each sport and have something to say about it like “oh man, Kevin Love really hasn’t lived up to his price tag in Cleveland” or something about a team as a whole like “the Marlins were so overrated going into this season it’s great to see them struggling.” See, did you feel your manliness grow? (not that manliness. Pervert. But good for you for already incorporating tip #1 into your life) Basically, ball is life.

JUST THE TIP of my foot was out of bounds, I swear

*and all other “European” sports that true Americans don’t like

**“intelligently”

3.   Guns

We’ve already established how important sex is, as such, it’s not surprisingly that so much of a man’s self worth comes from their schlong*. It’s a superbia cum phallus, if you will #doubleentendre. So, as a guy, if you’re asking yourself how you can prove your manliness while clothed, I have the answer for you! Guns! What could possibly be manlier than a giant phallic object that literally shoots out stuff that can kill your enemies? Guys need guns so that they can protect their little ladies if anyone should threaten them. Guns are the only way to protect a woman’s virtue** All manly men need guns (yes, guns plural. Just because you can’t exchange your penis for a large caliber repeating rifle doesn’t mean you can’t exchange your guns). To quote the late, great Governor Ratcliffe; “Man’s not a man unless he knows how to shoot.”***

This is a man to trust

*sorry, I’ve never had occasion to type that word before. Couldn’t pass up the opportunity

** a woman is worthless without her virtue, much like an action figure is worthless once taken out of it’s package (#nomorewomeninbinders #morewomeninplasticwrap #mintcondition)

***incidentally, Pocahontas is what happens when you let your woman control you: you become a p@ssy, let someone shoot you, and go back to England. Pocahontas 2 (although a terrible movie that is a disgrace to Disney and America as a whole) shows what happens when white men have power and use it to bend minorities to their will.

4.   LBGTQIA

Manly man have to be opposed to the gay community. Mainly because there are so many letters and reading is hard #doubleentendre. But also if you aren’t strongly opposed to people off the same gender (and all shades of sexuality that LBGTQIA encompasses) people will probably think you’re gay! Can you imagine anything worse than someone thinking you are attracted to another person even though they don’t have a vagina?!?! Bitch, please! It’s really important, as a manly man, that you voice this opinion and refuse to be swayed by logical arguments or personal testimonies (or simple Jesus-like “loving thy neighbor”) because once men make up their mind, it’s made up. Not like women who are wishy-washy and slaves to their emotion.

 This is a face of manly sanity

Guys, I know this is a short list and you probably still have so many questions but this will at least put you on the right path. I’m really, truly sorry that you guys don’t have all those guiding forces out there like women do to help you live up to expectations. Just don’t give up. Keep your chin up and let your schlong* flap proudly in the breeze.

*twice in one day!

I’ll leave you wit some hope though. Watch these commercials. See, you have not been forsaken, men!

If You Give a Mouse a Cookie: Child Vaccine Edition

If you give your kid a vaccination, your child will develop Autism.

"Not the autism juice, Mommy!"

If your child develops autism, they might be a genius.

You can tell he's smart cuz glasses 

If your child is a genius, it can make you a lot of money.

Like Rainman

If you make a lot of money, you will move to where rich people live.

Basically your life now

If you move to where rich people live, you will meet the Kardashians (because they are money hungry hanger-ons).

 Of course Kris would, of course

If you meet the Kardashians, your child and North West (the person, not the direction) will become best friends.

Beyonce is us; we are Beyonce

If your child becomes friends with North West the Person*, you will probably join season 66 of Keeping Up With the Kardashians.

This is you, now

*"North West the Person” is courtesy of Suri's Burn Book

If you join season 66 of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, you will complete the final point of the Kardashian Klan’s pentagram with Kylie, Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney (Kendall will have left the family by this point)

This is you, now

If you complete the pentagram, a portal to hell will be opened allowing Satan to reunite with his true form—Kris Jenner.

Waiting for Soul to meet Body, right Death Cab?

If Satan returns to true form, he will take over the earth.

Let's do this bitch

If he takes over the earth, God will have to send down angels to fight him.

#messy

If the angels come to earth, humans will get caught in the crossfire.

I can't think of anything worse

If humans get caught in the crossfire, everyone will die with the exception of you, Bill O’Reilly, who is kept alive by rage, and Meg Ryan whose plastic surgery has rendered her part robot.

RIP Real Meg Ryan

If it is just you, Bill, and Meg left on earth; it will be up to you and Bill to repopulate the earth because Meg’s womb is plastic.

Foxy (see what I did there?)

If you and Bill have a child, it will be a hatemongering, bald, angry toddler who you will eventually kill after realizing how awful it is.

Look what you pushed out your who-ha! 

If you have to kill your child, the human population will die out leaving the earth to be overrun by cockroaches who will create a peaceful, democratic, self-sustaining civilization.

See how there's not a line? It's because their civilization is perfect 

And all of this happened because you gave your kid a vaccination.

The End

PS, don’t be a dummy, vaccinate what was in your tummy!

PPS, there is no statistical link between vaccines and autism. The one study that first connected the dots has now been discounted and the “doctor” who wrote it has had his license taken away. Don’t believe me? Read this, this, this, and/or any other article that can be found with the simplest and most cursory Google search

PPPS, there may be no link between autism and vaccines but there is a definite link between no vaccines and diseases that are 100% F-ING PREVENTABLE. So don’t be an idiot: GET YOUR MOTHER F@CKING KIDS VACCINATED.

April Fool's Day

April Fool’s Day, surprisingly enough, isn’t really my thing.

I mean, don’t get me wrong—I love screwing with people’s psyches as much as the next sociopath—I just don’t like having a designated day to do it.

It’s just like Valentine’s Day. Why do we pick one day of the year to focus on the one’s we love? We should be showing those people our love every day.

Or in my case, using crosses, wooden stakes, holy water, and garlic to keep intimacy/human emotions as far away as possible.

Me, yesterday 

Just like that, I feel like cruel jokes and pranks should be celebrated year round.

Also, April Fool’s Day pranks are too predictable. I, for one, never allow my back to be turned on anyone the whole day on the chance that they are going to try to get me. That’s just common sense 101.

If, however, you insist on being #basic, here are a few ideas to make your April 1^st memorable. And remember, the best defense is a good offense. Get them before they get you.

Technology is your best friend

            This is KB tested and approved. Download a creepy sound onto your phone as a ringtone. I recommend a child singing. Nothing is creepier than child singing. I recommend this although you can do what you want (I guess, I mean, this is called KB Thinks for You, not YOU Think For You but whatever.) Hide your phone somewhere in the person you are pranking’s room and wait for them to be in there alone. Then have an accomplice call your phone and wait for your friend to panic assuming they are being haunted by creepy kid ghosts (aka the creepiest kind of ghost)

Would you like me to sing you a song?

Pro-tip: Set your phone on “Do Not Disturb” except for calls from your accomplice so “Baby Got Back” (your default ringtone, obvi) does go off unexpectedly ruining everything

Earn your Oscar

            Sometimes the best pranks are simply well executed lies. This is a great prank because of its versatility. Pick a friend, any friend. Pick a lie, any lie. Then go to town. Divorce, pregnancy, marriage, jail, or whatever else your diabolical little mind can come up with is fair game. (If your mind isn’t diabolical enough, you can either ask me for help or, better yet, let the adults play. It’s April Fool’s Day; not April Fool’s Amateur Hour). Let your imagination run wild. If you are going with a pregnancy prank, try something about not knowing who the father is or having twins. For divorce, I recommend an “I’ve been cheating on him/her” to hit maximum discomfort levels for the listener. For marriage, try elopement or a really intense family feud. Jail can potentially be the best option just because you have so many options. Try something that would be ridiculous to get arrested for like downloading music illegally or embezzling money from your grandmother’s nursing home.

First of all, I'd like to thank God...

Pro-tip: as long as you can keep a straight face while lying, the world is your oyster.

Mix, match and make them crazy

            Science break: your brain and taste buds are trippy as hell. If you think you are going to be getting one thing and instead get something else, you’re going to freak. For instance, I once thought I was going to take a nice, refreshing sip of Mountain Dew. Instead, it was Lemonade. After I finished washing my tongue off with rubbing alcohol, I cried for 20 minutes in the fetal position. Learn from my mistakes and use it to make your coworkers pay. I say coworkers because this is a great way to get multiple people with one simple prank. The quickest, easiest, and cheapest is to buy a bag of M&M’s and a bag of Skittles. Mix them up, put them in a bowl, and wait for people to lose their minds. This also works with sweetened/unsweetened pickles, sweetened/unsweetened tea, water and vodka, and (if you’re into the long con) decaf and caffeinated coffee.

*insert maniacal laughter here

Pro-tip: doing this is kind of an asshole move. I highly recommend it

If all else fails, scare the sh!t out of them

Never discount the old but good sneak up. There’s nothing better then quietly coming up behind someone, especially when they think they are alone, and then making a loud noise. Some people might not like being snuck up on but if you think about it, most people have, at one point or another, paid to see a scary movie. Here you are, willing to give them a 3D experience of a lifetime—for FREE. Really, you’re being a good Samaritan. You’re welcome.

Ellen gets it

Pro-tip: try to stay at least two feet away from the person you’ve chosen to prank just in case they fall in the “fight” category of “fight or flight”

Now, go have some fun